Thinking Problems

It's been my experience that we're quick to lose hope. When relationships or circumstances bring us pain, we often go off the deep end, into despair. And when we despair, we think there is no hope. We think God can't or won't change this. We start planning either how to fix it ourselves or to learn to live with it. I see it in myself more than I'd like to admit and I hear it from other people just as often. Our thinking doesn't always line up with our proclaimed faith and we rarely ever stop to ask why. But it's stunting our growth.

I'm not suggesting we should never be sad or feel anything but joy. I am suggesting that our emotions tell us a lot more about our heart than we'd like to admit. Our emotions tend to follow our thoughts, and our thought patterns tell us what we really believe. When it comes right down to it, our consistent thoughts tell about how much faith we really have. In that case, dismissing our emotions without using them to examine our hearts is like choosing to be blind.

The way we think about others, ourselves and circumstances are all important things we must examine when we want to grow in our faith. Ignoring what's in our minds can seriously hinder us. Acting as though we have no control over our thoughts is really calling scripture a liar. God is a mighty Creator, but He doesn't dictate our minds for us. That's up to each of us, individually.

The wrong thought patterns can lead to unhealthy patterns all throughout our relationships and circumstances. I'm afraid that many of our hopeless feelings come from thoughts we've allowed, consciously or unconsciously, to plant and take root in our minds. And unfortunately, many never identify the lies that they dangerously cling to because they believe they can't do anything about it. We weren't chosen to be powerless. The things we think can expose spiritual strongholds that, if addressed before the Lord, can bring about some serious change in our hearts and lives.

Webster's defines Stronghold as a fortified place; a place dominated by a particular characteristic. As believers, we're called to let God be our refuge, not build up our own city with walls in our minds. Anything done without Him is going to fail. Yet we tend to adopt certain thinking, even subconsciously, that we set up as truth even though it's not God's truth. We even avoid hearing the real truth because we've already made up our minds. Or that stuff has been in our heads since the early years of development and we just don't know how to deal with it. We tell ourselves, " It's okay to follow my own thoughts and beliefs even if it does go against what God's word says." Somewhere in it all, we're hanging onto it.

We continue to apply the lies to our lives as truth. Before we know it,  one thought has dirtied up our thought system and is controlling us. It hinders us from accepting truth and admitting we need change. I don't know of any worse feeling than to feel stuck in my own perspective, because my mind seems controlled by lies. It's the worst kind of prison.

It's the grace of God that allows us to see our own hearts for what they are. Without Him, we couldn't see it, much less bear it. God is always so gentle when He shows my heart to me. He doesn't do it to condemn me, but to set me free from things that hold me down by keeping me from living like He called me to live. I can't be free to serve Jesus if I am chained to something else. I know I'm not the only one with this problem.

There is freedom and peace that comes with seeing who we are and knowing He wants to heal us. His healing is what allows us to live with integrity. Without a relationship with Jesus, we think we see better than we really do. Unless that relationship is continuous, we will keep having this problem.  But that relationship is our choice. He is willing. And I bet if you think about it, you'll realize He has actually reached out to you on many occasions.

Although I have plenty more, I want to share some of the thinking problems I've come to see in myself through my relationship with Jesus. I would love to hear some of yours as well.

Problem Thoughts:
1. Believing someone is beyond the hope of change. Claiming your own thoughts and personality traits as your identity and then projecting the same theory onto others. You say things like,"It's just the way I am. I will always be this way." "That's just the way he / she is."
2. Resisting forgiveness (being forgiven or offering forgiveness). Sometimes forgiveness just takes time. But it always requires God's help. As you learn to trust Him, you become better at accepting and offering it.
3. Resisting change out of pride and concern for your ego, even though you know this change would make you more Christ-like. Anything done is pride is going to cause problems.
4. Blaming other people for how you think, act and react. Proper boundaries help you to know where you end and others begin.
5. Refusing to show some understanding to someone. Understanding is the key to healthy relationships and human interaction. You don't have to agree or even be in their shoes to try to understand. You just have to recognize them as being equally human as you.
6. Thinking you are better than someone else based on skin color, background, education, jobs, pet peeves, habits, amount of money or even past sins. Nothing in scripture justifies this thought.
7. Speaking the "truth" with harshness. We probably don't understand the real truth if we don't have gentleness.
8. Believing a person must earn respect. Respect is always freely given by people who trust God to do right by them.
9. Putting your material things or money before your relationships. Jesus put people before things. Your should is eternal but things are short lived.
10. Expecting other people to change while you are unwilling to. I have yet to see a relationship where this doesn't end in disaster. Those you expect to change will outgrow you if you just sit there and do nothing about you.

Healing for Anger and Fear

"Where there is anger, there is always fear." --from Call the Midwives

As I think about the truth of this statement, I examine the things that have brought me the most anger. The reasons vary but include: fearing someone will never love and accept me,  fearing someone will divide my family, and fearing someone I love will abandon me.

As I am learning the perfect love God has for me and His gracious acceptance of me just as I am, I find the strength to stare these fears in the face knowing that even if they come true, I already have the love and acceptance I NEED. Everything else is a nice to have, an added bonus. We were created with a hole that only Jesus can fill. If He isn't enough to us, nothing else ever will be either.

No matter the reason we're angry and fearful, there is a truth about our Creator that can dispel it.

He stands ready to forgive us for anything when we ask. He loves us with a love unlike any other. He will never leave or forsake us. He never fails and He always keeps His word. Nothing is out of His reach. He can use those terrible circumstances to serve glorious purposes in our lives and in the lives of others. He looks for those who seek Him. He provides a refuge for them. We have an amazing God.

Are you angry? Examine it to see what fear may be hiding beneath. Ask God to reveal it. Ask Him to give you the truths needed to dispel it. Start seeking more of Him and you'll find more healing. He came so that you can be freed from these things that bind you. He wants you to live an abundant life now, regardless of your circumstances. Do you believe Him?

Five Years of Proof that God is Good

On this day five years ago I married my Mr. Incredible, Chris Travis. I had been previously married but I am his first and only marriage. I had two children when we met and he took them in as his own. It's been said that second marriages have lower odds and require that much more work to beat them. But we've made it this far and I'm quite optimistic. Looking back, I don't think either of us knew what we were getting into. But sometimes knowing the challenges that lie ahead only keep us from experiencing the blessings of endurance.


Through trial and error, we're learning how to have a successful marriage - not just one that stays in tact but one that actually functions well. Chris doesn't fix all my problems or complete my soul but he isn't supposed to. We have a big God. 
To be honest, we're both were still learning how to do this thing. Through so much trial and error, Chris and I have become best friends. God uses Chris to reveal things in me that need healing and change just as God uses me to do the same with Chris. I think we've both had moments where we wondered whether we would make it this far. But since we’re both believers of Jesus Christ, we live on hope, forgiveness and redemption. And only because Jesus has given us so much grace, we're learning to give it away. 

Chris loves me and endures all things with me. He forgives. He asks for forgiveness. He means my heart well. He knows I mean his heart well. Our marriage has taught me that, whenever God is involved, people are capable of change. God has shaped us both to make this marriage work and I can't imagine trying to do it without Him. I am in awe to be loved so dearly by God and this man he gave me. 

Happy Anniversary, my Mr. Incredible. I never doubted for a moment that you're capable of anything you put your hand to. I have loved you all along, but I never once thought I could love anyone as much as I love you now. You are the perfect first-hero kind of daddy and a model of strength and endurance for all my kids. I see Christ working in you everyday and it encourages my own faith. I am incredibly proud to be your wife, the woman you come home to everyday. Thank you for five years.  

Excuses, Excuses!

We've been called to love one another, bear with one another in burdens and lift one another up. We've been called to show the love of Christ by modeling the very love He gives to us. But far too often we find excuses not to love someone while we proclaim to know just how much God loves us at the same time. I've done it. It's been done to me. But someone has to stop the cycle of hypocrisy. 

Not very long ago, I was spending time around someone who hurt me. I felt like running and hiding because of the lack of trust I felt for this person. I felt I couldn't trust them with my heart and felt the best thing to do was avoid them. But I couldn't avoid this person because they are a regular part of my life. And trying to avoid those who hurt us is like running from our problems. It doesn't fix anything. The person made a small effort to make things right and then stepped out with a gesture of love. Part of me wanted to resist when I felt the Lord speak into my heart, "Do not withhold love." I have never forgotten that moment and the lesson it brought to me, but it doesn't mean I don't still struggle with it. 

Scripture says nothing about loving those who make it easy. It says nothing about following our feelings to know when to love someone. It doesn't tell us to ever withhold love, yet somehow we have it in our minds that there is a time and a place to do just that. I speak from experience of the heart when I say, most of us are more likely to follow our feelings than our God. 

The call to love has nothing to do with entitlement. We aren't owed love by God,  but He loves us anyway. We aren't as great as we like to think we are and our sins are no better than anyone else's. Yet, many of us actually think we're more deserving than others. Many of us talk about grace while we practice selective obedience. Based on my convictions and what I read in scripture, here are some ways we can show love when we don't feel like it: 

1. Keep your words kind and your spirit gentle. We cause others to get defensive when we raise our voices and use harsh words. We provide excuses for them to keep doing what they're doing. We're most effective when we react in an unexpected manner. We don't have to be punching bags. We can still set boundaries while exercising love and self control. But we're no different than those who hurt us if we go around doing the same things.

2. Offer forgiveness even if they don't ask for it. I've often heard that those who hurt people are angry and hurting. They harbor unforgiveness against themselves and perhaps even others. They don't know how to deal with their pain, but grace offers a way. We aren't just doing them a favor, we're doing ourselves one too. We're getting rid of things that prevent us from drawing nearer to our Creator, our biggest source of comfort and grace. We also remove any excuse for the walls they keep up, because their eternity is as important as our own. When walls come down, people start to see things much more clearly and healing begins. 

3. Know when to draw near and when to offer space. I heard once that agape love, God's love, is about doing what's best for the other person. Sometimes people need space when they're angry because their anger is so overwhelming that they tend to say and do hurtful things. They lack self control, but there is nothing you can do to change that except remove yourself from their presence until they cool off. Otherwise they make a bigger mess and don't know their way out. To the contrary, sometimes people need someone to draw near to them. It's convicting and healing all at once when they see someone whom they hurt or have been hurt by remain near. It's a reminder that they aren't rejected and unloved, no matter what the enemy may be saying to them. It helps them fight against the lies so they can begin to know the truths.

4. Don't try to fix them. Let them be who they desire to be and make choices about their own behavior. We can't own what's in anyone else's heart or how they behave, and when we try we usurp their God-given right to free-will. Who are we to tell God that He is wrong for giving us this right? However, if they are sinning or hurting you, confront it in love. Confront it with facts and base it on their behavior, not their heart. None of us can fully discern another's heart. Making assumptions just makes a bigger mess. Establish or reaffirm clear boundaries for yourself and then walk away if necessary. Leave the rest up to the Lord. Having faith means we have to trust Him to do right in even the smallest places. This is one I have particularly struggled with. But practicing it provides incredible freedom to those of us "fixers." God is all about setting us free. 

5. Pray for them. Let them know you're praying for them, if possible. I have learned that when I start praying for others, God brings healing and perspective to me while He works on them as well. God is not a one-sided God. He is fair. He wants us to be willing to understand others just like we desire to be understood. If I approach God with faith, a willingness to believe the unseen, He opens my mind further. I begin to see things about the situation I didn't see before. I begin to see Him at work when all I could see before were the barriers. 

God is in the business of caring about each of us, but not because of who we are. It's because of who He is. Therefore know that He loves you and your enemies. He is most glorified when we honor Him when our situations make it hard. He insists that we, "Don't deprive love." Otherwise, how will they know that we truly are His?

Pointing In The Wrong Direction

I've heard it said that you don't heal until you own your part in the mess. And the more I think about this, the more I realize it's true.

Think about it: We only give others power over us and our healing when we play the blame game. The one we assign blame to is ultimately the one we assign power to heal us. Anytime we focus on blaming others we put healing on hold, waiting for someone else to make it right. What if they never do? Or what happens when they try to make amends and we don't do our part to move on? Other people can try to do right all day long but one person cannot change the heart of another because we're each responsible for our own heart.

Scripture gives us a lot of direction. Much of it is hard to accept but its all for our own good. And scripture is clear in that we're to forgive, shake off our feet and move on. It directs us to discuss things with those who hurt us and ask for forgiveness from those we hurt. Over and over in the new testament, we're told to resist bitterness. Why? Because it dirties up our hearts. It puts distance in our relationship with God and with others. It allows us to justify thoughts and actions God does not justify. And it makes us miserable and mean.

We are called to a life of courage and freedom, so sin can be anything that keeps us from our calling. When we learn to take sin and our calling seriously, we want to deal with those areas of defeat quickly and effectively. That's why knowing scripture and having a relationship with Jesus is so important. In Christ, we have the ability to live free.

Now, there is no perfect human, nor do any of us do the right thing all the time. If we think about it, we have a part in nearly every dysfunction that plagues our life. Much of our own pain is owed to our thinking patterns. We've hurt others just as we've also been hurt. We do things to others that we wouldn't dare tolerate from them. 

We manipulate, but we won't be manipulated. We become wounded when someone won't let us control them. We remember every hurtful word said to us but can't remember the ones we said. We gossip but get angry when we're gossiped about. We enable the very behaviors we want to end. We fail others just as they fail us. Yet when we feel hurt, we find a way to dodge ownership by focusing more on what was done to us than what we've done. 

Of course there are things that happen to us that we have no control over. Abusive, painful and murderous acts happen everywhere and they are never okay. We can't control the hearts of others. We can't make them do right by us or even love us. But we won't have to answer for their hearts. We answer for our own. 

Whether you stay bound or not is partly your own choice. You can choose to own your part and forgive. But it also takes a relationship with the only One who can set you free. You can't embrace your healer with clenched fists. You have to surrender everything and receive His love with arms wide open. He can bear your pain and He stands waiting. He can empower you to forgive but healing must begin with ownership, not blame. Are you ready to do what it takes?

Three Thoughts for the Thinker

Joyce Meyer once said, "Your thoughts form your behavior." And she's right. No matter how much we try to bottle them up, they come out. They have the power to destroy us, our relationships and those around us, if we aren't proactive.

I am an obsessive thinker, so this is a topic that I spend a lot of time on. I struggle with the many thoughts that swarm my head and have on more than one occasion believed the wrong ones to be true. For years, I believed I was stuck being the slave to my thoughts - I think it, thus I am trapped to it. But thinking thoughts isn't exactly the problem. The problem occurs when we dwell or act on those thoughts, and this is something we can control.

The past year of my life has brought me to terms with my biggest problem - my thinking. Once I began surrendering my thoughts to God's Word, He started revealing the flaws in my thinking and replacing them with these things. I don't think I am the only one who needs them, so I want to share them with you. I encourage you to say them to yourself as you read them. Say them every time you struggle with opposing thoughts. There is no better way to battle bad thoughts than to replace them with good ones.

1. I am loved by God, the most important person ever. He is far more capable of love than any one of us. Real, healthy and godly love would not and does not exist without Him. If He is not the center in my heart and relationships, I am unable to love. Healing is impossible without godly love. His love,  even if it's all I have, is enough. His love is heals. And it never changes because it's based on who He is, not what I do.
Look it up: Matthew 6: 26, I John 3: 1, Romans 8:37-39, John 3:16, I John 4:8

2. I am never really alone because God is always near. He promised never to leave or forsake His own and He honors His word regardless of what my emotions say. I may not always feel His presence but as a believer, I am guaranteed it. He talks to me and He listens. Nothing I tell him can drive him away. He even understands my pain because He suffered too. His presence is more fulfilling than any other, and is enough to fulfill me like no other.
Look it up: Exodus 33:14, Jeremiah 29:13, 2 Corinthians 12:9, 2 Corinthians 4:16-17, I John 4:4, Deuteronomy 31:8, Joshua 1:9, Isaiah 41:10

3. He makes all things work in my best interest even when I can't see it. He is the ultimate planner and knows what is best for me. Nothing that happens can stop Him from doing right by me. He knows what's best for me far better than I ever could. My circumstances never reflect powerlessness on His behalf, but His real glory. But I can't see if I don't intentionally look at it through lenses of faith. It all comes down to taking Him at His word.
Look it up: Jeremiah 29:11, Leviticus 26:13, Psalm 37:23-24, Romans 8:28

We learn early in life not to trust others with our thoughts because we live in a culture that is afraid to be real. We're so hard on one another. But we need to know that we don't have to let our thoughts rule us and we don't have to hide in the dark. We believers can have victory over this stuff if we have the faith to pursue it before our thoughts destroy us.

Fight the good fight and finish the race, my dear friends. Don't let this world make you forget how big your God is. We're just passing through.

Hanging On To Letting Go

I have this struggle. Of course I have many, but this one that keeps causing me so much heartache and pain that I have been forced to rethink it. I have a hard time letting go of what I cannot fix or change. Even more so, I have trouble knowing when something is mine to fix or whether I am usurping God's role. I have some faulty connections in my thinking that God has been in the process of healing. They do not stretch my faith and they are not mine to carry. I am learning to let go.

Sometimes, I find myself believing that by doing the right thing, my relationships will get better. But sometimes they don't, so I kick into overdo it mode. Instead of accepting that doing the right thing doesn't guarantee good relationships, I keep trying to fix it. My faulty expectations dirty up my good works. Now, this is not always my motive, but I've noticed that it's always the case when I come out disappointed. I would like to say that the things is my heart are always pure, but my actions ultimately speak of my true beliefs.

It's good to want great relationships and peace and harmony but the fact is I cannot change anyone else's heart. It's good to love others, but unhealthy motives gone unchecked can cause loads of disappointment on both ends. This doesn't mean I should just give up, but that I have to rely on God more than I presently do. How can I say that God is good if I keep trying to fix things myself?

I realize I'm not the only one who struggles with this mindset. As far back as Adam and Eve, we humans have an unhealthy desire to be autonomous. We like to think we have all we need to change our surroundings and we alone are enough to do it. We don't ask God and we darn sure don't think we have the time to wait on Him because think we have to do what we do. And we think we're somehow entitled to good relationships if we serve Him, but that's not true. 

Come to think of it, I've rarely ever seen godly change take place simply because we humans have trouble letting go of the idea we can fix or change ourselves and one another. Even though that change never really happens, we just keep doing what we do because we're either too afraid of change, we don't know another way, we have too much pride to surrender or we want our own way on our own time more than anything else.  

God loves it when we lay down our so-called "right" to fix things, determined to wait on Him. He is teaching me that giving it to Him doesn't mean I quit but that I stop worrying about it and trust Him to do with it what He knows to be best. It's only right that I serve Him without expecting anything in return. Practicing this gives me the sense of freedom He desires for all of us because without peace, we're just bound up in chains of some kind.