Beyond Statistics

I should have been a statistic. But I am a walking display of God's grace, and I bet you are too. 

I wasn't raised in a Christian home. My parents separated when I was very little and my mom raised us for several years alone. She often worked two jobs to make ends meet and relied on me to help out at home beginning at a very young age. She did the best she could and it didn't kill me. She later married my step dad and we moved around quite a bit. To add to the cards stacked against me, I witnessed abuse more times than i can count and experienced some forms of it myself. But I was an ambitious child nonetheless. 

I often heard these words in my head: You're just a statistic. And key studies and leaders documented it abundantly. It was a common belief, and still is, that children raised in divorced homes, abuse or by single parents ultimately grow up to be non-productive members of society and become what we saw. I did my best to ignore those words because I had deep internal drive to do and be more. All I knew was that I had dreams and I wanted more. 

I'm not famous or rich, but I'm not a statistic either. I tell you these things not in pride or out of self-hate, but because I believe some of you can identify. I wonder if you've heard those words in your head or even aloud. I believe you are a walking miracle, evident of God's grace in some way or another. You have overcome something, not by yourself, but by God's gracious mercy and strength. And you have dreams and ambitions in you, of which the purest form are mere gifts from your Creator. And I believe that if you were meant to live a defeated life or fall into any category of statistics, you would not have them. 

Don't let anyone tell you that you are defeated or that you have no hope. Don't let anyone lump you into any category, regardless of what you've done or what has been done to you. The very desire you have in you for more comes from Him. He hasn't given up on you, and  He won't. Let him guide you in your ambitions and dreams.  Let Him develop them and He will build on and multiply these things. 

First Love

I have really struggled with extreme feelings of being unloved over the past few months. But the more I think about it,  the more I realize I always have. It's just really rearing it's head these days as I have the surface struggles cleared away. I have a family and friends who love me, yes. But regardless of all the people in my life, whom one would expect to be constant reminders of how much I am loved, i have battled thoughts of being unloveable and unworthy of love almost incessantly. And i make it worse because i have this uncanny ability manage to locate any gaps in every one of those relationships to prove it to myself. And I'm sad to say that I have behaved like i am unloved more often than not. 

Some might say my loved ones need to step it up a notch. Others might say I am just letting my emotions rule me, and perhaps I am.  But God has shown me that it all boils down to this: Deep down, I do not fully believe God's unconditional love for me. 

His Word speaks chapter after chapter of his boundless love and I have no problem believing it for everyone else. But somehow I rationalize the idea that I don't have to believe what I don't understand when it comes to this because i can't see how He can love me so greatly when I don't feel i deserve it. That, my dear one, is my insecurity showing. Insecurity is an obvious sign that we don't believe God's word for ourselves but believe it for everyone else. Insecurity threatens our calling if we don't address it. 

I am a Christian and faith is a must for me. Without it, i am calling the God I speak so fondly of a liar- He is not. Without faith, I become useless and unmoved in His kingdom. I am learning thst faith doesn't require us to see or understand, only to believe what He says. We can't witness to others if we don't believe it and accept it for ourselves first. What we feeli inside will ultimatley make it's way out through our words, actions and treatement of others. 

Don't get me wrong - I believe our emotions have a role. They are not meant to guide us but they can tell us about our own hearts. My own tell me there is a gap in my faith bcause not only do i battle it, I tend to believe it more often than not. I have hope other than Jeaus Christ, and so i can't ignore gaps in my faith. My life apart from Him is more miserable than I can put to words. 

Faith is a gift and a choice. We can ask Him to open our eyes but if we choose not to believe, we have not done our part. Believing is a necessary form of obedience. It does not require our emotions to play along, but for us to obey despite them. Therefore, I have to set out to believe what He says, even when my emotions are dim. 

And yes, it's great when we love one another, and we should. There is a concept called The Five Love Languages, based on a book by Gary Chapman. This concept pretty much calls out that each of feel love in one of five ways. And as true as it is, is not meant to be a form of hope. It's meant to help us understand how various things make us each feel loved, thus it helps us to understand how to better love one another. But people fail, it's inevitable. So what happens when those around us can't or don't show us love in ways we comprehend? If our hope is others-based, we wind up discouraged and lose hope repeatedly. Even if they do everything right, we may not feel loved if we miss the first piece of the puzzle of love - God's love for us. 

But it doesn't have to be that way! God will never fail. We might not always get what we want, but He will never fail to give us the love we need. He will never leave or forsake us. His love isn't built on the premise of what we do, but on who He is. I've heard it a thousand times, but it HAS to sink into my head. I desperately need it to. It starts in my heart and mind with a choice because the proof is far and wide. I vow to choose to believe it repeatedly. 

Are you or have you struggled with this too? Know that God loves me and you. He loved us before we existed. He loved us before we ever even knew of Him. I encourage you, as I am also doing, to practice speaking in faith. Learn His Word in areas of the struggle and use it to combat those thoughts. We have to choose repeatedly to believe Him in all aspects, otherwise we won't be able to love Him properly. As a result, we won't be able to love anyone else as we are called to do because without proper priority in the love chain, we will have major issues in our relationships. This step of faith is crucial to our calling. He commanded us to love Him, then others. But without knowing that we can do so only because He first loved us, we will remain stuck. 

Lessons from the Storm

The past 4 plus months have felt like a never-ending storm. At times, I feel like I have been run through a sifter and it just hurts to breathe. But then at the same time I can tell you that I can breathe and have come this far only by the grace of God. And I now know what it's like to be so well cared- for by my King when it's obvious that every moment I survive what it means to be held. I wouldn't know that without this storm. I will honestly say that I haven't made it hard for satan to attack me. I have gaps in my battle gear that God is repairing through healing and teaching. Nonetheless, I feel led to share what i have learned from my own storm. 

1. Initially you may feel angry, hurt, abandoned or unworthy because of this but God doesn't intend for people to fix you or meet all of your needs in such a way that you forget your need for Him. The storm is where you choose your focus, God or people. When things get really hard, and you feel unlovable, people will fall into two groups: ones who try but are limited in their ability to help you and those who are uninterested in your struggle for various reasons. Let these moments of loneliness drive you to seeking Him more. And don't stop when you feel like you're in the clear because your next battle is just around the corner. If you aren't preparing for it, you'll be tossed to and fro as you scramble for truth in the dark. It's no different than not knowing where your candles and oil lamps are stashed when the electricity goes out. 

2. God will be there, whether you feel Him or not. He will be working good from what seems so awful by changing you. He cares about your pain, after all He loves you immensely because you are His creation. I've struggled with this one a lot and realize how i have hindered my own self and helped the enemy when i listened to my feelings or the lies in my head. Don't make that mistake. If you have, it's never too late to simply choose to believe. I promise you that he honors that. Faith is both a gift and a choice. You can choose to believe your feelings or only what you can see or you can choose to believe in His promises even though you may not be able to see them yet. You are not alone, physically or emotionally. 

3. Your suffering offers a choice in the form of a fork in the road. Choose the one that makes you more pure at heart, like Jesus. To the left you can walk through what appears to be a rose garden --where you learn to look out for number one, avoiding a thorn at every turn since every man is for himself. To the right, you can choose to go rock climbing-- where you have obvious highs and lows. This is where you are made more like Jesus as you develop strength, endurance and an understanding of teamwork. This is where suffering is not in vain because it accomplishes good. Bitterness or forgiveness, love or hate, selfishness or selflessness? Love always offers a choice. 

4. There can be a raging storm on the outside, with peace on the inside if you surrender the storm to Jesus. Being in God's word, in prayer and in a posture of trust makes all the difference.  Satan comes at me with so many lies still, and when i do not don't know truth, i am nothing but a bobble on a fishing line with the devil holding the pole. I have been in this position so many times that I can't do it anymore. I know Christians who advocate that is it unnecessary to read or study God's word regularly but i can tell you that they are those who have not seen it's healing power and are the angriest, most bitter people i know. What you expose yourself to the most will rule your heart and mind. There is nothing more comforting than God and His word. 

I never knew that He really is enough until He was all I had. I promise you, but even better- He promises that His love and comfort doesn't disappoint. If you are in a storm, I encourage you to WAIT on him to deliver you and BELIEVE that He is working behind the scenes to do just that in His time. Faith makes waiting precious when nothing else can. 

Love's Truths

As THE nationally recognized day of love is coming up, love is on my mind. I've been thinking about the differences in the way we're taught to love versus what scripture says about it and I have come up with a list of those attributes found in truth. Before I begin, let me just say that you are loved by our Creator regardless of what some may teach. If you aren't sure, scripture provides tons of proof. No Valentine's Day gift can top the Gift He has given us already.

1. Love originates with God. We are made in His image, therefore we inherited the ability to love from our Creator. Although every way of man has been tainted by the fall of Adam and Eve, making our love the selfish kind, God is the reason for the existence of love. This means we have to learn to love Him, learn who He is and how He loves in order to properly love others.

2. True, godly love, endures despite the reward or lack thereof. It is unselfish, requiring us to put aside our own selfish pursuits repeatedly. We've all had people love us because of what we could/do offer. But God loves us unconditionally. Nothing we can offer Him can compare to what He gives us. When I realize that, I want to learn to love others unconditionally also. Imagine the healing that could take place if we would let Him do that work within us.

3. Love is also enduring, patient and long suffering. Let's be honest, we live in a quitting world. It sucks to be given up on. Although people will fail us, God never will. He never gives up on us... No matter how many times we get it wrong. Knowing that God does this for us makes any argument of who deserves it and who doesn't a moot point.

4. Real love is an action, despite warm and fuzzy feelings, or absence thereof. It is a verb, not simply a noun. God is the noun part. God also does the verb part in the most pure form. Therefore, He calls us to follow His lead and do the verb end of this great thing.

5. Godly love is gentle, not overbearing or forcive. It lacks control and manipulation, even when the opportunities arise to do so. As we've all heard before, love offers a choice. This means we let people make their own choices, even when we don't agree. We don't try and force everyone to think like us, do what we do or change a heart when it isn't ours to change. We simply love, surrendering to God to do with it what He will. Just imagine how you would feel if you had no choice in that matter. Resentment would build and you would rebel. The greatest acts of love are freely given so there is no point in dirtying up a good thing.

6. Love is also considerate. It is the act of looking for ways to show people love, in ways that register with them. It requires us to use those brains God gave us. And why not since we use them for everything else? It doesn't always come natural, but is always intentional. It is a process of putting aside our needs and wants in order to find ways to meet those of others. I don't always do so well with this. I admit that I think about myself more than I like, and it hinders how much love I show. I am actually seeking to work on this with the Lord's help.

7. Love is rewarding, not depressing and discouraging. Giving unselfishly while also exercising self control within ourselves from seeking to please ourselves not only distracts us from miserable "whoa is me" thoughts but also helps to heal our hearts as we each recognize that this is our ultimata calling in life.  It helps us to see how much others need, keeping us from dangerous mindsets of isolation.

8. Love makes forgiveness possible. With God as our foundation and love as the premise to serving Him, we can't continue in any relationship without the willingness to forgive. This means we have to constantly remember all of the above. Otherwise unforgiveness taints every relationship we have and slowly sucks away at our ability to love.  Unforgiveness drains us of love as it fills us with selfish thoughts and unrealistic expectations. I can't express enough how impossible it is to forgive on our own since forgiveness is a cycle and is used in the process to purify our hearts. Do not try this on your own.

9. Love requires grace. Grace is unmerited favor. Scripture says that we are to love our enemies as well as our friends and family. Therefore, we have no choice but to practice the grace we are given every moment of our lives. It means we don't respond to others with the lack of love we may feel. It means we actively practice seeing each person as equally deserving as you of love and mercy and grace.

Good Purposes for Bad Memories

Just as I awoke one morning, memories of a certain time in my life flooded in. It was of a time when I intentionally hardened myself to the point that I was emotionally checked-out from the reality of my daily life. This memory was one of those in which I actually could feel, for a few seconds, the emotional prison that I was in. I remembered feeling lonely and angry at God and others for what I thought was an unfair life, one lesser than I thought I deserved. My reaction to life was so bad that I would daydream actively to forget the life I actually had. Those were dangerous daydreams, let me tell you. And I had not thought about that part of my past in a long time. 

Afterwards, it was clear that God was at work here, working to reveal something to me. But as usual, I didn't get it right away. Soon after, a similar encounter with my heart's past revealed that God was reminding me how bad it once was and how much He has already healed me. It seems He brought the memories back so that I would be reminded of how much He can do. So often, at the first sign of trouble we forget what He has already done in our lives. 

We are so much like the woman, whom during a famine, Elijah promised that her oil and flour would not run out. After the famine was over and she survived, she appears have forgotten what was already done for her by the way in which she reacted at the next sign of trouble. 

So she said to Elijah, “What do I have to do with you, O man of God? You have come to me to bring my iniquity to remembrance and to put my son to death!” 1 Kings 17:18

God wants all of us to be able to remember what He has done in our lives, otherwise we'll forget how far He has already delivered us. It encourages us to be faithful during future unknowns. Memories aren't always fun but they can serve a good purpose if we submit to God's purpose. Remembering, even if the memories are not so great, can be a really good thing spiritually.