It takes courage to share those feelings with someone, but it takes the most courage to share them with God. I'm convinced that it's the ultimate act of worship as we seek to build intimacy with Him. I have no doubt that He would much rather us be real than try to appear strong, only to fall apart later because we didn't take the time to heal.
Take it from me. I used to think that distancing myself from painful things made me stronger. I heard all the common sayings of "wisdom" that is common today and I thought that protecting myself from pain was somehow my "calling". So, I bottled up years of feelings and convinced myself I didn't hurt so bad. But boy, I did! The more I bottled, the more I began to swell up from the pressure. I had a choice- let myself heal or let this stuff come spewing out uncontrollably.
Maybe I just hadn't let myself hurt in the past. I had hardened myself. In doing so, I only threw dirt over my mess. Pretending never made it go away. It only make it harder to get to the bottom of the pile later. (Please don't misunderstand my comments to mean that boundaries are a bad thing. They're crucial for an emotionally and spiritually healthy lifestyle but they should never cause us to harden or feel apathetic in any way. )
Jesus is really changing my mind about this stuff In this season of life. God is calling me to let myself feel the pain, every ounce of it and to use this time to uncover things deep inside that need facing and healing. He is calling me to rest, examine what's going on in me and be honest about it. From the day the current turmoil in my life began, He has been whispering to me, "Let yourself feel this- don't push it aside." He wants me to truly heal. Without staring that stuff in the face, I can't. None of us can. We'll just keep struggling with the same issues over and over and never overcome them. If we're going to be truly free, we have to take every chance we can to see what's beneath that mound of dirt. And it takes a lifetime.
God is our safe place. He welcomes us to let it all out before him- no matter how ugly or raw it is. Some things may be hard to say, even to God. But he wants us to say it- to be real and honest. He wants to help us through it and heal us in it. He won't judge us for what we feel. Honesty is an act of intimacy and our willingness to talk to Him is not overlooked. And when we talk to Him, He talks back. Eventually He will give wisdom to us. It may seem to take forever or come slowly but, at some point, we will find ourselves living out of a supernatural wisdom and discernment as a result. But we cannot skip meeting with Him and pouring out our hearts.
He doesn't want us to pretend to be tough; He wants us as we are - real. He wants to make us tough, but in His way. Strength lies in being vulnerable and weak, in staying humble and tender-hearted. Truly strong people don't have to harden their hearts. They can remain tender when the storm threatens to bend them. Why, because they know its not truly their strength that will save them.
Don't make the mistakes I did; Don't resist the chance to heal when you're in pain. It's easy to skip right on along and pretend things don't hurt so badly, and so often the world expects us to. Keep in mind that your heart is your responsibility and it will live on long after your body is gone. Your heart is what's important to God. He wants you to have a heart like His and, in order to do so, you have to walk through the hard stuff slowly and with your spiritual glasses on.
Of course, it's not a comfortable place to be, but rushing through it only hurts you. Rest. Don't try to act strong. Remain tender towards God and let His desire be he only one that matters in it all. Be where you are and let Him show you who He is in the midst of it. Contrary to popular belief, that's how you really become stronger.
