To Understand

When we express our feelings to someone, we should be able to expect a safe place. We should, theoretically, receive understanding. Many people mix this up for agreement in mindset but that’s not necessarily it at all. To understand is to slow down listen, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and empathize. Allow yourself to feel what they must feel and have a conversation about what that looks like to them. You don’t have to agree, you simply need to show that they are important enough to empathize with.

However, far too often we tell people they are wrong for their feelings, try to convince them to think our way or end the conversation out of offense. We forget that not everyone thinks like us; they don’t have the same life experiences to build upon. We are not the litmus test for wrong or right and scripture warns us about how the spirit of offense will cause us relational troubles.

It’s crucial that we be open to feedback and other mindsets and perspectives. And if we want intimacy with others, we must be willing to hear them out. After all, isn’t that what we would want? Wouldn’t you want to be understood and heard rather than quickly dismissed as unimportant? Do you have people who do this to you now, or do you do this to others?

Nothing brings people together like the humility of understanding. Take a step down off of the need to be right and seek first to understand. Make sure your actions reveal your intentions and then offer your perspective and feelings in love. You’ll be much better received.

Boundary Lines

As I journey through the boundaries course, it's growing me. I am learning that I can maintain my peace without being drug around by the storms around me. I can have someone very upset with me in a very controversial situation and still manage to have self control without partaking in unhealthy responses or in fear. I can maintain a calm and respectful tone while keeping a firm handle on my boundaries and stance. I can say "No, you can't treat me like this" to those I love dearly while modeling what that treatment should look like by how I treat them as I reply. I can set firm restrictions on what will and will not be done within my property lines and actually follow through.

I'm growing, but I am not perfect. I do not have this nailed down like a hurricane is on it's way, believe me. But this growth is significant for me.

I used to talk myself out of these things because I had been convinced 1. The behavior and thoughts of others steered mine 2. I had no control over how people treated me and 3. it was unChristlike to set these limits.

Boy, was I wrong. As I revisit this stuff, I realize, this is what we are called to do, not to be a bunch of codependent enablers who whine to God about a person as we continue to enable their behavior while preventing them from facing true consequences. "God, please help them to see the light. Oh wait, I have made sure they won't. They are comfy in their actions." Of course He allows us to face consequences for our actions, so why do we protect others?

Many marriages and relationships fail because of poor boundaries on one or both sides. Many times people believe they ought to be able to trample all over a person's property lines but this isn't scriptural. We are each responsible for our own happiness and peace, our own heart, our own relationship with God and others. If we don't protect our boundary lines and guard what we let in, it will impact those things. We may also let out some of the good things as well.

We have to stop finger pointing, pick the responsibility for ourselves up off the floor and carry it. Yes, we need help with our burdens from time to time, but we cannot live our lives blaming others for what we have allowed to trample our fences and destroy our crops. We cannot steal the crops of others either. IF they offer it, so be it, but we ought not live our lives eating the crops of others without offering others some of ours as well. Therefore, we must guard and nurture what's inside our property lines well. Boundaries are important in order to live fruitful lives.

If you feel fruitless, start by examining your boundary system.Are you mostly either a giver or a taker? Do you have trouble with the word "no"? Are you a people pleaser?

Listen to me when I say this - You are loved by God even when things don't go your way, even when you say no to others, even when they are mad at you. Your value doesn't change based on how often you get your way or give others theirs. Start by reminding yourself of that! Be patient with yourself as you journey through learning how to do this because change is a process. Habits are hard to break and new ones take time to form. He loves you as messy as you are now. He loves you right where you are.

Changing Us

We can't change people. We say that all the time. But many of us don't live like it. I really struggle with it. I am a codependent, recovering of course, but these patterns are hard to break. We want to fix everything because we think its our job. We think if we hang on long enough, say or do the right things, we can get through to them.

But what if it's us that need changing? What if God just wants to teach us to let go and give to Him what only He can change? What if it's up to Him to judge a heart and even when one hurts us and we can't make them care, we give it to Him to settle and heal? What if that person who hurt us needs us to get out of the way so they can hear Him and not us- because He knows how to get into a heart and He knows how to bring perspective to both divided people so that they understand one another. He knows how to bring compassion, repentance and forgiveness. But then, what if that takes years, or doesn't happen in this lifetime? Can we learn to trust God with it like we tell others to do?

As a fixer, I have learned that I've been playing the wrong role all these years and it's time to let go. I've brought so much stress and anxiety into my life by usurping my responsibilities. Letting go is a MUCH harder role to play and it requires more trust. It challenges every single piece of my theology. It uses every muscle I have.

If I am honest, I don't struggle with what to say, so I have to work on keeping my mouth shut and staying in my own lane. But I am worn down and I needed to get here to accept this new role. And you know what, it's a much more peaceful one. I think I'm going to get better at it with time and practice and it can only help my relationships. It's a win-win, right? How about you? Are you worn down yet?

A Battle Won With Encouraging Words

It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. John 6:63

We all have certain things that have been spoken over us- some good and some bad. Our minds, however, have this ability to focus on one – usually the negative things that have been said. And those words will drive what we believe about ourselves, our abilities and how we live our lives. It will shape us. It will determine whether we like what we see when we look in the mirror. But we need to be reminded of the positive things. Our minds need constant renewing and reminding so that we have the whole picture and not just the part the enemy wants us to see.

 

For years, I believed that everything spoken over me was negative except that I was smart. I, however, wanted to be lots of other positive things like pretty, likeable, creative and loveable. But I didn’t believe those things were true about me. I believed the good things about me stopped with smart. I remembered being told as a child that I was ugly, unlikeable, and hard to relate to. I now believe the enemy began working very early on me, telling me how I was merely a “statistic”, and that no one would ever be able to relate to be so I should “keep to myself and “keep quiet”.  Words certain people said seemed only to confirm it. 

However, over the years I had forgotten that positive things has also been spoken over me too. The Lord has been fighting for me all these years. I have not been alone. I have been allowing my focus to be on the negative things alone, ignoring the positive so much of the time. My mind had a filter that was filtering out the good and that filter needed to go. 

 

What got my attention on this matter is a recent incident. While talking to my mom recently,  she said something that stopped me in my tracks. She said, “You were such a sweet little girl…” I got stuck on those words. I never thought anyone ever thought of me like that! I was struck and encouraged by those words! I have often wondered if anyone ever saw me in such a sweet way that I see my girls, and my mom confirmed it without even knowing I questioned it. 

Fast forward to this week- while battling the enemy’s lies I approached my pastor about praying for me. As he prayed, he spoke scripture that reminded me who I am in Jesus. He built me up without really knowing the details of my struggle. The Lord is so good to use others to meet our needs, to work the kinks out in our mind and force out the lies of the enemy. I was and am adored. I was a sweet and loved child and not for once, even then when the enemy whispered in my ear, was I never alone. And neither are you. 

 

The enemy works hard on tear us down. He knows our deepest struggles and just how to get to us. His favorite tactic is to corner us, get us alone and tell us lies. It's important that we know and remember the truth. It does us no good if we can't recall it! 

 

I encourage you today to remember the good things. Write them down if you need to for such a time as the enemy’s schemes. But don’t settle for the negative. The positive words will win you the toughest battles and the Lord will provide you plenty of nurturing and soul nourishing words for those moments. Make it a point to remember them. 

Learning to Like Yourself

We, as a church body, have been long delivering the "God loves you" message, while in many instances, at the same, also delivering the, "God doesn't like you and it's a sin to like yourself" message. And in many circles, we still do this. The messages are contradictory to God's word and to the whole "God loves you" message. In all due respect, it has to stop.

I am not a theologian. I am not a preacher. But I do speak on experience as a child of God who has learned to like myself. I also speak on the truths learned from the Holy Spirit's interaction in my life. I used to wreak of self hate. I don't know how I made it thus far trying to disguise it. And so many people are still doing it, wondering why their lives are so miserable.

I learned insecurity at home but the church confirmed it for me through the tone of condemnation, lack of understanding towards one another, overwhelming judgment and then of course the huge amounts of codependency. We don't love ourselves well, as a whole in the church. I really think subconsciously we believe it is a sin. Or maybe we are simply mistaking humility for self hate. But the true reveal comes through when we don't love others very well at all. After all, isn't that our ultimate calling?

The Lord has really pressed on me a need to see myself through His eyes, learn to like me and appreciate who He made me to be. I didn't get it at first. I was afraid it would make me arrogant, and I will admit that it is a careful balance. But it is a whole lot better to know who you are, and to be able to love you when it seems the rest of the world doesn't. Now, I am not talking about becoming a recluse, but about learning to take care of yourself instead of expecting everyone else to do what you can. Of course, it is nice to have them there but people have their own burdens to carry and we have to offer them grace when they can't be there for us.

We simply don't talk enough about the good things God says about us. Here are some I refer to for my own encouragement.

 1. But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. I Peter 2:9 - You read it for yourself, you are chosen for His kingdom. You are called to live, talk, think and believe differently as His kingdom is your home! You are His!

2. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5
You as a citizen of His kingdom, are an extension of His love, His ambassador. You get to share it with everyone in the simplest of ways.

3. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:-1- 2
When you fall, you get to get right back up. His grace is that good. He wants to see you succeed. There is so much freedom in second chances. Don't take it for granted!

4. For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7
You have been given power, love and self control. Love offers freedom of choice, and is never fear driven. Wherever there is fear and intimidation, the enemy is at work. Keep an eye out for fear and call it out.

5. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Phil 4: 13
I know many of us have heard this a lot but it should never lose its importance. When we are weak, He is strong. He gives us what we need. He promises. We just have to keep pressing forward.

6. You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Mat 5:14
You were made to endure! You are stronger than you think, because of who your God is. If we do not press on, for how should we encourage the world. But if we do, how glorious a story our lives tell about our God.

7. For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. Gal 5:13
You are free! Jesus did not just die to forgive our sins, but to allow us to live our lives in full freedom to follow Him, not men. We often get the two confused and believe that the rules people set for us are Gods. It is important to know the difference. It is important to know who God called you to be as well and to stand strong there.

8. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high. Lev. 26:13
You are worth fighting for. You may not be an Israelite but this scripture still applies to you. You are called to stand tall and walk with your head held high, thankful for the God you serve.

8. He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me. Psalm 18:19
He enjoys you! Yes, you!

Why is it important that we believe this stuff? Well, we have an enemy and many of you have seen him active against you already. If you can't stand firm about who you are in your own mind, he will tear you to shreds. His greatest battle is in your head. You have to learn to like and love yourself in order to win those battles. Last, but not least, consider those who are fighting battles right now and need encouragement and love. If you are strong and secure in who you are, you're more likely to be able to call out the good in them and encourage them, preparing them for the battlefield too. If not, you will be too stuck on you - your sadness and your needs to notice.

In order to do any of this, to like or love you, to like or love others, you need to see you through the eyes of Jesus.

Through the Eye of a Needle

So many of our sufferings seem so unbearable. We have no idea how we're supposed to get through them, much less come through the other side with a heart that honors God. That's the true challenge of it all, isn't it? Not to survive, but to maintain a pure heart, free of lust, bitterness, selfishness and strife. But how many of us, being honest, can truly say we have escaped all life's struggles without falling more than once?

I've been through a recent season of suffering myself, and I'm honestly not sure if it's even over yet. I entered it strong and ready, like an able warrior. But after several rounds, I began to grow weary and sway from side-to-side. I began to grow tired first physically, but later emotionally. Somehow in the midst of months worth of hurricane force winds and rain that left me soaked, I simply took on the "beat down" stance without noticing. I feel like I hut the ground as hard as Goliath already but the bizarre thing is that I'm still standing. It's all by God's grace. Despite this nasty storm, He has been so good to me.

There is no shame in hurting. We have to stop pretending we don't hurt so much to one another. I catch myself doing it. We can't be a community if we aren't able to be honest. God can do some amazing things with our pain, together. He loves for us to share our stories, good and bad. Pain is where kindness, compassion and love are built in the hearts of the hardest. But somebody's got to be brave enough to be vulnerable.

No pain is ever a waste on God either. even though it feels like we're that camel going through the eye of a needle, some real, live miracles are happening in US as we live. For instance, through all of my pain God did some amazing things. He turned some darts meant to kill into weight-lifting sessions for my spiritual growth. He:

Strengthened my heart

Grew my ability to see spiritually

Sensitized my spiritual feelers

Taught me tactics with the enemy

Helped me know when to let go 

Shed me of some heavy chains

Taken me back to past hurts

And healed them

Brought forgiveness 

Loved me when I continued 

to make bigger messes

Reminded me that I am His 

No matter how much I mess up.

Taught me not to give the enemy's noise

More attention than it deserves.

I won't lie, I struggled to feel loved during this season and I have struggled with bitterness as of late. But my God hasn't let go of me once. And He won't let go of you! 

Our sufferings hurt. They are hard to endure. But we were not meant to go it alone.

Mission #1 - Dealing With Ourselves

Having hope will give you courage. You will be protected and will rest in safety. Job 11:18

If we stand back and take a look, it will become obvious, if it isn’t already, that the majority of the church struggles with insecurity. I started making that observation about the time the Lord started calling me to make some bold moves to outgrow my own. When I realized it wasn’t just my problem, but a widely spread one, I knew this mission I was being called to is about becoming a warrior and inspiring others to as well. Without addressing those insecurities, we will never come to our “promised land’.  And we won’t win any battles with the enemy because He will always play on our insecurities.

 

Confidence in who God made us to be, and His reliability to catch us is more than the simple "believe in yourself" inspirational quote leads us to think. True security not based on us or our abilities, but on the God we serve and His view of and love for us.

The problem is, many Christians confuse security with arrogance. Or they simply do not see a value for it. But the truth it, our spiritual side works with our physical and emotional. If one part of us isn’t healthy, it will impact the whole. It will affect our ability to see, hear, sense and speak. God created the whole being, not just the spiritual, and He appeals to all aspects of us as He speaks into us and reveals truth by uncovering lies or ignorance. You see, His concept of health and the world's are two different things, so we need Him to keep us on His path. 

When we react or make decisions in fear…when we hide or cower…when we pretend…when we are dishonest…when we don’t believe we have a purpose or gift..when we make excuses, we are insecure. When we cannot manage to love other people, we are insecure. When we feel numb or crippled by the lies that we cannot move forward, we are insecure. When we enable bad behavior or defend our own we are insecure. And let's not leave out the insecurity revealed when we have unrealistic expectations on ourselves or anyone else. 

The only way out is to be in relationship with God and let Him teach us how He sees us. That's where the way we see ourselves is changed. Without God the Father, Jesus and His Holy Spirit, we'll never have a healthy view of ourselves. We can’t speak it into others until we accept it for ourselves. And we sure can’t impact a world we are too afraid to live in.

 

We were meant to stand strong, as believers of God, but standing on our own isn't strong. There is nothing attractive about insecurity. It ruins relationships and pushes people away. And the world will not want what we have if we, ourselves, aren’t confident. 

It doesn't happen overnight; it's a process. Confidence, or "Godfidence" is composed of both transparency and humility. That might sound contradictory to what you're try to obtain, but, in fact, is key. We have to be willing to let our walls down and truly see ourselves, limitations, strengths and all. We can’t change until we do. We won't lean on God consistently without both. We need Him to expose our insecurities and heal us from them continually. It’s when we think we can do all this stuff on our own that we become arrogant and prideful. Both of those are simply masked insecurity.

 

For me, this journey He put me on for emotional health has changed the way I interact with Him. It has also give me healthier relationships overall. It has lowered my defenses, enabling me to truly hear what I need to hear. It has also given me a keener ear into the needs of others. On the same hand, it has cost me a lot...a lot of uncomfortable moments of standing up, speaking up and disturbing the unhealthy facade of peace. 

 

God will use even one emotionally healthy person to help others. He will use them to call others into accountability in a loving way that motivates but does not cripple. Security is the call to freedom from lies and unhealthy entanglements. Freedom is where we live fully as who we were created to be- blessing our God the most.