Excuses, Excuses!

We've been called to love one another, bear with one another in burdens and lift one another up. We've been called to show the love of Christ by modeling the very love He gives to us. But far too often we find excuses not to love someone while we proclaim to know just how much God loves us at the same time. I've done it. It's been done to me. But someone has to stop the cycle of hypocrisy. 

Not very long ago, I was spending time around someone who hurt me. I felt like running and hiding because of the lack of trust I felt for this person. I felt I couldn't trust them with my heart and felt the best thing to do was avoid them. But I couldn't avoid this person because they are a regular part of my life. And trying to avoid those who hurt us is like running from our problems. It doesn't fix anything. The person made a small effort to make things right and then stepped out with a gesture of love. Part of me wanted to resist when I felt the Lord speak into my heart, "Do not withhold love." I have never forgotten that moment and the lesson it brought to me, but it doesn't mean I don't still struggle with it. 

Scripture says nothing about loving those who make it easy. It says nothing about following our feelings to know when to love someone. It doesn't tell us to ever withhold love, yet somehow we have it in our minds that there is a time and a place to do just that. I speak from experience of the heart when I say, most of us are more likely to follow our feelings than our God. 

The call to love has nothing to do with entitlement. We aren't owed love by God,  but He loves us anyway. We aren't as great as we like to think we are and our sins are no better than anyone else's. Yet, many of us actually think we're more deserving than others. Many of us talk about grace while we practice selective obedience. Based on my convictions and what I read in scripture, here are some ways we can show love when we don't feel like it: 

1. Keep your words kind and your spirit gentle. We cause others to get defensive when we raise our voices and use harsh words. We provide excuses for them to keep doing what they're doing. We're most effective when we react in an unexpected manner. We don't have to be punching bags. We can still set boundaries while exercising love and self control. But we're no different than those who hurt us if we go around doing the same things.

2. Offer forgiveness even if they don't ask for it. I've often heard that those who hurt people are angry and hurting. They harbor unforgiveness against themselves and perhaps even others. They don't know how to deal with their pain, but grace offers a way. We aren't just doing them a favor, we're doing ourselves one too. We're getting rid of things that prevent us from drawing nearer to our Creator, our biggest source of comfort and grace. We also remove any excuse for the walls they keep up, because their eternity is as important as our own. When walls come down, people start to see things much more clearly and healing begins. 

3. Know when to draw near and when to offer space. I heard once that agape love, God's love, is about doing what's best for the other person. Sometimes people need space when they're angry because their anger is so overwhelming that they tend to say and do hurtful things. They lack self control, but there is nothing you can do to change that except remove yourself from their presence until they cool off. Otherwise they make a bigger mess and don't know their way out. To the contrary, sometimes people need someone to draw near to them. It's convicting and healing all at once when they see someone whom they hurt or have been hurt by remain near. It's a reminder that they aren't rejected and unloved, no matter what the enemy may be saying to them. It helps them fight against the lies so they can begin to know the truths.

4. Don't try to fix them. Let them be who they desire to be and make choices about their own behavior. We can't own what's in anyone else's heart or how they behave, and when we try we usurp their God-given right to free-will. Who are we to tell God that He is wrong for giving us this right? However, if they are sinning or hurting you, confront it in love. Confront it with facts and base it on their behavior, not their heart. None of us can fully discern another's heart. Making assumptions just makes a bigger mess. Establish or reaffirm clear boundaries for yourself and then walk away if necessary. Leave the rest up to the Lord. Having faith means we have to trust Him to do right in even the smallest places. This is one I have particularly struggled with. But practicing it provides incredible freedom to those of us "fixers." God is all about setting us free. 

5. Pray for them. Let them know you're praying for them, if possible. I have learned that when I start praying for others, God brings healing and perspective to me while He works on them as well. God is not a one-sided God. He is fair. He wants us to be willing to understand others just like we desire to be understood. If I approach God with faith, a willingness to believe the unseen, He opens my mind further. I begin to see things about the situation I didn't see before. I begin to see Him at work when all I could see before were the barriers. 

God is in the business of caring about each of us, but not because of who we are. It's because of who He is. Therefore know that He loves you and your enemies. He is most glorified when we honor Him when our situations make it hard. He insists that we, "Don't deprive love." Otherwise, how will they know that we truly are His?

Pointing In The Wrong Direction

I've heard it said that you don't heal until you own your part in the mess. And the more I think about this, the more I realize it's true.

Think about it: We only give others power over us and our healing when we play the blame game. The one we assign blame to is ultimately the one we assign power to heal us. Anytime we focus on blaming others we put healing on hold, waiting for someone else to make it right. What if they never do? Or what happens when they try to make amends and we don't do our part to move on? Other people can try to do right all day long but one person cannot change the heart of another because we're each responsible for our own heart.

Scripture gives us a lot of direction. Much of it is hard to accept but its all for our own good. And scripture is clear in that we're to forgive, shake off our feet and move on. It directs us to discuss things with those who hurt us and ask for forgiveness from those we hurt. Over and over in the new testament, we're told to resist bitterness. Why? Because it dirties up our hearts. It puts distance in our relationship with God and with others. It allows us to justify thoughts and actions God does not justify. And it makes us miserable and mean.

We are called to a life of courage and freedom, so sin can be anything that keeps us from our calling. When we learn to take sin and our calling seriously, we want to deal with those areas of defeat quickly and effectively. That's why knowing scripture and having a relationship with Jesus is so important. In Christ, we have the ability to live free.

Now, there is no perfect human, nor do any of us do the right thing all the time. If we think about it, we have a part in nearly every dysfunction that plagues our life. Much of our own pain is owed to our thinking patterns. We've hurt others just as we've also been hurt. We do things to others that we wouldn't dare tolerate from them. 

We manipulate, but we won't be manipulated. We become wounded when someone won't let us control them. We remember every hurtful word said to us but can't remember the ones we said. We gossip but get angry when we're gossiped about. We enable the very behaviors we want to end. We fail others just as they fail us. Yet when we feel hurt, we find a way to dodge ownership by focusing more on what was done to us than what we've done. 

Of course there are things that happen to us that we have no control over. Abusive, painful and murderous acts happen everywhere and they are never okay. We can't control the hearts of others. We can't make them do right by us or even love us. But we won't have to answer for their hearts. We answer for our own. 

Whether you stay bound or not is partly your own choice. You can choose to own your part and forgive. But it also takes a relationship with the only One who can set you free. You can't embrace your healer with clenched fists. You have to surrender everything and receive His love with arms wide open. He can bear your pain and He stands waiting. He can empower you to forgive but healing must begin with ownership, not blame. Are you ready to do what it takes?