Healthy Relationships

And we exhort you, brothers: warn those who are irresponsible, comfort the discouraged, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  See to it that no one repays evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good for one another and for all. 1 Thessalonians 5:14-15

 

Thessalonians reminds us of our responsibility to one another as children of God, to be our brother's (and sister's) keeper, without being an enabler or a controller.  We’re called to help one another grow towards God, not away from Him. We’re called to do the hard stuff on behalf of,  and in the best interest of, others. In order to fulfill our callings, we must maintain a tender and caring heart and a healthy idea of boundaries. If we’re going to love like Jesus loved, it’s crucial that we know where our responsibility ends and another person’s begins without quitting on those whose struggles we can't fix. 

 

I learned the concept of boundaries later in life, when everything in my life began to fall apart for the second the time. I lived most of my life with this idea that boundaries were selfish and unbiblical. I was insecure and constantly being tossed around with no real understanding of what was right in my relationships. I allowed myself to be mistreated and I mistreated others. I enabled people in my life to keep doing things that hurt me by playing along and keeping quiet. I was so busy trying to earn love that I neglected my responsibilities to myself and to others. Frankly, I’m surprised that my life didn’t fall apart any sooner. 

 

When His love was finally enough and I was really ready to follow Him, He began to set me free by teaching me the difference between my responsibility and those things I could never really accept responsibility for. Because of this huge lifting of dead weight, I began to be free to love people without having to fix them or make them feel better. 

"Jesus really loves me" -  that’s the premise behind being able to establish boundaries in confidence. It has to be around His love, not anyone else's. He has to be first. He has to be enough. Relationships are a huge deal, and the only way to have good relationships is to learn our roles in them. 

We’ve got to know what is ours to fix and what invisible boundaries are unhealthy to cross. We must be able to spot manipulation, guilt and control in ourselves and others. We need to resist being enablers, who help others stay comfortable in their own sin, and we need to stop expecting others to enable us. We’re going to have to choose to stop making it easy for others to stay in sin without inhibiting their choices, and we need to be open to having the same done to us. All of this must be done with a loving spirit.  Each of us need to be held accountable and, in order for this to work, we have to drop our own defenses. It's not going to be easy. 

 

We cannot do what’s best for the other person until we learn to do right by ourselves because we can’t love anyone until we have truly soaked in the love God has for us personally. We live in a society that values caring for others only within certain parameters, but Jesus always cared. He didn’t try to force people to change and He didn’t try to control others because love always offers a choice. Therefore, our own choices should always should be offered and made with a tender heart, from a place of trust in God…who will always do right by us. 

 

Mercy's Freedom

Speak and act as those who will be judged by the law of freedom. For judgment is without mercy to the one who hasn’t shown mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment. 

James 2:12-13

I used to read the old testament and think, "Man, God is mean! I fear Him alright." That belief about Him kept me from wanting to know Him more. That unhealthy fear of Him prevented me from trying to form a relationship with Him for years. I was a Christian for at least 10 years before my mind was changed and I was scared to tell that to anyone for a long time. But then I realized that every one of us has believed some crippling lies at one time or another and no one learns the truth without  mercy.

Regardless of what some preach, we are under the law of freedom and we have entered a new covenant. But we have a hard time accepting change, don't we? I believe it takes meeting the overwhelming kindness of God to help us see ourselves through His eyes. Those eyes of mercy impart a profound, one-of-a-kind courage. That courage leads us to take risks, "stepping out of the boat". Little-by-little, we come out of our shells as we begin to trade condemnation for the gentle, yet fierce, mercy of God.  

Our focus changes to that of our loving Creator and because we're so distracted by Him, we stop worrying so much about getting it right and nose dive directly into freedom- the freedom to serve Him without all the rules, lies and opinions that once held us down. So when we get it wrong, we know that there is grace for us. We we get it right, it's because of of grace as well. Serving Him is so much easier when we aren't carrying the extra weight. 

Knowing and experiencing God changes us. Once we know the mercy He has for us, we're prone to offer it to others. Then we get to play a part in helping others towards freedom as well. But when we choose judgment over mercy, we miss out on seeing the Kingdom come to Earth. We can't stop mercy; we can only choose whether to play mercy or judgement. Which part will you play?

Raw Blessings

"You haven’t been honest either with me or about me — not the way my friend Job has… My friend Job will now pray for you and I will accept his prayer” 

Job 42:7-8 MSG

I stood there, holding my child's face against my chest as she let her tears flow. I hurt for her, but I also felt a sense of thankfulness that she had confided in me, entrusting me with her broken heart. It occurred to me that these moments are gifts, given to us by another person so that we can walk with them through their pain. Real relationships are built on raw vulnerability, in which we share our struggles and sorrows. Without such interaction and transparency, relationships have no substance. 

That's just how God feels about us, honored when we come to Him with vulnerable and honest hearts. I had never understood this about Him until that moment. We honor Him when we share our raw hearts, not just our thankfulness and happy times. You see, sharing the good moments in life require no real revelation of what is deep inside of us. Most of us would prefer that people to see us only when we're happy for that very reason. But it takes trust and courage to share the raw, ugly, hard stuff. It takes a leap of faith.

Think about it. Our hearts tend to celebrate the good stuff even more so with those we have shared pain with. We can't truly get to know one another in our good moments alone, since life isn't really life without some pain. We have to experience the good with the bad, the pain with the joy in order to truly connect. But there is just something about the pain that rallies people together like nothing else can. Most of all, it brings us closer to God when we share our bare hearts, not because He doesn't know, but because He loves the leap of faith reflected in our hearts when we do so.

Don't be afraid to be honest with God about how you feel. He already knows. He isn't offended; He is honored that you would conscientiously reach toward Him to walk with you in you trials. And when you become truly secure from that relationship with Him, He will give you the courage to be truly honest with others. 

What God Wants

The Lord knows those who are His, and everyone who names the name of the Lord must turn away from unrighteousness. 2 Timothy 2:19 (Holman)

One thing is made clear to us when we decide to follow Jesus. It's that we have to put aside our own desires and our own ways and adopt the desires and ways of the Lord. Our lives are no longer ours to make a mess of, but His to bring beauty from. Therefore, the ultimate sign of a child of God is surrender on the basis of faith. 

Because He isn't forceful or controlling, there must be a foundation of trust. And in order to build trust, relationship is key. According to Webster's, the word "relationship" simply means "the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other... the way in which two or more people or things are connected." 

So then, what are the ways you connect in relationship to the Almighty? Do you feel there is any connection at all? If not, are you waiting on a feeling or on His pursuit to be made more obvious? Do you want to know God more, or just know about Him? Does your relationship with your earthly father cause you to believe God is mean and unloving, creating reluctancy in your heart? And if you are in a relationship with Him, how much do you pursue Him? How important is a relationship with Him to you?  How deep are you willing to go, and how vulnerable are you willing to be with Him?

If only one side pursues, the relationship isn't truly a relationship, but a one-sided activity. In my experience, a relationship with God will call one deeper and to a more vulnerable level than ever before. It will challenge the very core and, at times, it will feel too hard to continue. It's built on talking to the Lord and learning to hear His voice. It's built on intentional focus on Him and who He is, saving us from the despair that occurs when we don't. It requires seeking Him out because, whether you know it or not, He is already seeking out each of us.

Surrender on our parts won't mean we no longer make mistakes or sin. It doesn't take away our own human nature. There is a battle taking place between the spiritual man and the one of flesh, and the fleshly one threatens the spirit's peace, joy and ability to love. The fleshly one can be blinding to the spiritual one, distorting the truth. But God wants to see us overcome those things that cause us to settle for short-term happiness. He wants us to stand strong against our enemy's conspiracies, because our enemy knows our weaknesses too. 

He invites us to believe Him on this journey so that we can follow the path He sets for us. Therefore, let this scripture cause you to examine your life. Are you living by your standards or His? If you aren't surrendering in any aspect of your life, you can ask Him to help you do just that. And He will because when we ask for help, we make room for Him to shine through. It's then that our lives reflect faith, which is God's standard of righteousness.