To Understand

When we express our feelings to someone, we should be able to expect a safe place. We should, theoretically, receive understanding. Many people mix this up for agreement in mindset but that’s not necessarily it at all. To understand is to slow down listen, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and empathize. Allow yourself to feel what they must feel and have a conversation about what that looks like to them. You don’t have to agree, you simply need to show that they are important enough to empathize with.

However, far too often we tell people they are wrong for their feelings, try to convince them to think our way or end the conversation out of offense. We forget that not everyone thinks like us; they don’t have the same life experiences to build upon. We are not the litmus test for wrong or right and scripture warns us about how the spirit of offense will cause us relational troubles.

It’s crucial that we be open to feedback and other mindsets and perspectives. And if we want intimacy with others, we must be willing to hear them out. After all, isn’t that what we would want? Wouldn’t you want to be understood and heard rather than quickly dismissed as unimportant? Do you have people who do this to you now, or do you do this to others?

Nothing brings people together like the humility of understanding. Take a step down off of the need to be right and seek first to understand. Make sure your actions reveal your intentions and then offer your perspective and feelings in love. You’ll be much better received.

Boundary Lines

As I journey through the boundaries course, it's growing me. I am learning that I can maintain my peace without being drug around by the storms around me. I can have someone very upset with me in a very controversial situation and still manage to have self control without partaking in unhealthy responses or in fear. I can maintain a calm and respectful tone while keeping a firm handle on my boundaries and stance. I can say "No, you can't treat me like this" to those I love dearly while modeling what that treatment should look like by how I treat them as I reply. I can set firm restrictions on what will and will not be done within my property lines and actually follow through.

I'm growing, but I am not perfect. I do not have this nailed down like a hurricane is on it's way, believe me. But this growth is significant for me.

I used to talk myself out of these things because I had been convinced 1. The behavior and thoughts of others steered mine 2. I had no control over how people treated me and 3. it was unChristlike to set these limits.

Boy, was I wrong. As I revisit this stuff, I realize, this is what we are called to do, not to be a bunch of codependent enablers who whine to God about a person as we continue to enable their behavior while preventing them from facing true consequences. "God, please help them to see the light. Oh wait, I have made sure they won't. They are comfy in their actions." Of course He allows us to face consequences for our actions, so why do we protect others?

Many marriages and relationships fail because of poor boundaries on one or both sides. Many times people believe they ought to be able to trample all over a person's property lines but this isn't scriptural. We are each responsible for our own happiness and peace, our own heart, our own relationship with God and others. If we don't protect our boundary lines and guard what we let in, it will impact those things. We may also let out some of the good things as well.

We have to stop finger pointing, pick the responsibility for ourselves up off the floor and carry it. Yes, we need help with our burdens from time to time, but we cannot live our lives blaming others for what we have allowed to trample our fences and destroy our crops. We cannot steal the crops of others either. IF they offer it, so be it, but we ought not live our lives eating the crops of others without offering others some of ours as well. Therefore, we must guard and nurture what's inside our property lines well. Boundaries are important in order to live fruitful lives.

If you feel fruitless, start by examining your boundary system.Are you mostly either a giver or a taker? Do you have trouble with the word "no"? Are you a people pleaser?

Listen to me when I say this - You are loved by God even when things don't go your way, even when you say no to others, even when they are mad at you. Your value doesn't change based on how often you get your way or give others theirs. Start by reminding yourself of that! Be patient with yourself as you journey through learning how to do this because change is a process. Habits are hard to break and new ones take time to form. He loves you as messy as you are now. He loves you right where you are.

Changing Us

We can't change people. We say that all the time. But many of us don't live like it. I really struggle with it. I am a codependent, recovering of course, but these patterns are hard to break. We want to fix everything because we think its our job. We think if we hang on long enough, say or do the right things, we can get through to them.

But what if it's us that need changing? What if God just wants to teach us to let go and give to Him what only He can change? What if it's up to Him to judge a heart and even when one hurts us and we can't make them care, we give it to Him to settle and heal? What if that person who hurt us needs us to get out of the way so they can hear Him and not us- because He knows how to get into a heart and He knows how to bring perspective to both divided people so that they understand one another. He knows how to bring compassion, repentance and forgiveness. But then, what if that takes years, or doesn't happen in this lifetime? Can we learn to trust God with it like we tell others to do?

As a fixer, I have learned that I've been playing the wrong role all these years and it's time to let go. I've brought so much stress and anxiety into my life by usurping my responsibilities. Letting go is a MUCH harder role to play and it requires more trust. It challenges every single piece of my theology. It uses every muscle I have.

If I am honest, I don't struggle with what to say, so I have to work on keeping my mouth shut and staying in my own lane. But I am worn down and I needed to get here to accept this new role. And you know what, it's a much more peaceful one. I think I'm going to get better at it with time and practice and it can only help my relationships. It's a win-win, right? How about you? Are you worn down yet?