Thinking Problems

It's been my experience that we're quick to lose hope. When relationships or circumstances bring us pain, we often go off the deep end, into despair. And when we despair, we think there is no hope. We think God can't or won't change this. We start planning either how to fix it ourselves or to learn to live with it. I see it in myself more than I'd like to admit and I hear it from other people just as often. Our thinking doesn't always line up with our proclaimed faith and we rarely ever stop to ask why. But it's stunting our growth.

I'm not suggesting we should never be sad or feel anything but joy. I am suggesting that our emotions tell us a lot more about our heart than we'd like to admit. Our emotions tend to follow our thoughts, and our thought patterns tell us what we really believe. When it comes right down to it, our consistent thoughts tell about how much faith we really have. In that case, dismissing our emotions without using them to examine our hearts is like choosing to be blind.

The way we think about others, ourselves and circumstances are all important things we must examine when we want to grow in our faith. Ignoring what's in our minds can seriously hinder us. Acting as though we have no control over our thoughts is really calling scripture a liar. God is a mighty Creator, but He doesn't dictate our minds for us. That's up to each of us, individually.

The wrong thought patterns can lead to unhealthy patterns all throughout our relationships and circumstances. I'm afraid that many of our hopeless feelings come from thoughts we've allowed, consciously or unconsciously, to plant and take root in our minds. And unfortunately, many never identify the lies that they dangerously cling to because they believe they can't do anything about it. We weren't chosen to be powerless. The things we think can expose spiritual strongholds that, if addressed before the Lord, can bring about some serious change in our hearts and lives.

Webster's defines Stronghold as a fortified place; a place dominated by a particular characteristic. As believers, we're called to let God be our refuge, not build up our own city with walls in our minds. Anything done without Him is going to fail. Yet we tend to adopt certain thinking, even subconsciously, that we set up as truth even though it's not God's truth. We even avoid hearing the real truth because we've already made up our minds. Or that stuff has been in our heads since the early years of development and we just don't know how to deal with it. We tell ourselves, " It's okay to follow my own thoughts and beliefs even if it does go against what God's word says." Somewhere in it all, we're hanging onto it.

We continue to apply the lies to our lives as truth. Before we know it,  one thought has dirtied up our thought system and is controlling us. It hinders us from accepting truth and admitting we need change. I don't know of any worse feeling than to feel stuck in my own perspective, because my mind seems controlled by lies. It's the worst kind of prison.

It's the grace of God that allows us to see our own hearts for what they are. Without Him, we couldn't see it, much less bear it. God is always so gentle when He shows my heart to me. He doesn't do it to condemn me, but to set me free from things that hold me down by keeping me from living like He called me to live. I can't be free to serve Jesus if I am chained to something else. I know I'm not the only one with this problem.

There is freedom and peace that comes with seeing who we are and knowing He wants to heal us. His healing is what allows us to live with integrity. Without a relationship with Jesus, we think we see better than we really do. Unless that relationship is continuous, we will keep having this problem.  But that relationship is our choice. He is willing. And I bet if you think about it, you'll realize He has actually reached out to you on many occasions.

Although I have plenty more, I want to share some of the thinking problems I've come to see in myself through my relationship with Jesus. I would love to hear some of yours as well.

Problem Thoughts:
1. Believing someone is beyond the hope of change. Claiming your own thoughts and personality traits as your identity and then projecting the same theory onto others. You say things like,"It's just the way I am. I will always be this way." "That's just the way he / she is."
2. Resisting forgiveness (being forgiven or offering forgiveness). Sometimes forgiveness just takes time. But it always requires God's help. As you learn to trust Him, you become better at accepting and offering it.
3. Resisting change out of pride and concern for your ego, even though you know this change would make you more Christ-like. Anything done is pride is going to cause problems.
4. Blaming other people for how you think, act and react. Proper boundaries help you to know where you end and others begin.
5. Refusing to show some understanding to someone. Understanding is the key to healthy relationships and human interaction. You don't have to agree or even be in their shoes to try to understand. You just have to recognize them as being equally human as you.
6. Thinking you are better than someone else based on skin color, background, education, jobs, pet peeves, habits, amount of money or even past sins. Nothing in scripture justifies this thought.
7. Speaking the "truth" with harshness. We probably don't understand the real truth if we don't have gentleness.
8. Believing a person must earn respect. Respect is always freely given by people who trust God to do right by them.
9. Putting your material things or money before your relationships. Jesus put people before things. Your should is eternal but things are short lived.
10. Expecting other people to change while you are unwilling to. I have yet to see a relationship where this doesn't end in disaster. Those you expect to change will outgrow you if you just sit there and do nothing about you.

Healing for Anger and Fear

"Where there is anger, there is always fear." --from Call the Midwives

As I think about the truth of this statement, I examine the things that have brought me the most anger. The reasons vary but include: fearing someone will never love and accept me,  fearing someone will divide my family, and fearing someone I love will abandon me.

As I am learning the perfect love God has for me and His gracious acceptance of me just as I am, I find the strength to stare these fears in the face knowing that even if they come true, I already have the love and acceptance I NEED. Everything else is a nice to have, an added bonus. We were created with a hole that only Jesus can fill. If He isn't enough to us, nothing else ever will be either.

No matter the reason we're angry and fearful, there is a truth about our Creator that can dispel it.

He stands ready to forgive us for anything when we ask. He loves us with a love unlike any other. He will never leave or forsake us. He never fails and He always keeps His word. Nothing is out of His reach. He can use those terrible circumstances to serve glorious purposes in our lives and in the lives of others. He looks for those who seek Him. He provides a refuge for them. We have an amazing God.

Are you angry? Examine it to see what fear may be hiding beneath. Ask God to reveal it. Ask Him to give you the truths needed to dispel it. Start seeking more of Him and you'll find more healing. He came so that you can be freed from these things that bind you. He wants you to live an abundant life now, regardless of your circumstances. Do you believe Him?

Five Years of Proof that God is Good

On this day five years ago I married my Mr. Incredible, Chris Travis. I had been previously married but I am his first and only marriage. I had two children when we met and he took them in as his own. It's been said that second marriages have lower odds and require that much more work to beat them. But we've made it this far and I'm quite optimistic. Looking back, I don't think either of us knew what we were getting into. But sometimes knowing the challenges that lie ahead only keep us from experiencing the blessings of endurance.


Through trial and error, we're learning how to have a successful marriage - not just one that stays in tact but one that actually functions well. Chris doesn't fix all my problems or complete my soul but he isn't supposed to. We have a big God. 
To be honest, we're both were still learning how to do this thing. Through so much trial and error, Chris and I have become best friends. God uses Chris to reveal things in me that need healing and change just as God uses me to do the same with Chris. I think we've both had moments where we wondered whether we would make it this far. But since we’re both believers of Jesus Christ, we live on hope, forgiveness and redemption. And only because Jesus has given us so much grace, we're learning to give it away. 

Chris loves me and endures all things with me. He forgives. He asks for forgiveness. He means my heart well. He knows I mean his heart well. Our marriage has taught me that, whenever God is involved, people are capable of change. God has shaped us both to make this marriage work and I can't imagine trying to do it without Him. I am in awe to be loved so dearly by God and this man he gave me. 

Happy Anniversary, my Mr. Incredible. I never doubted for a moment that you're capable of anything you put your hand to. I have loved you all along, but I never once thought I could love anyone as much as I love you now. You are the perfect first-hero kind of daddy and a model of strength and endurance for all my kids. I see Christ working in you everyday and it encourages my own faith. I am incredibly proud to be your wife, the woman you come home to everyday. Thank you for five years.  

Excuses, Excuses!

We've been called to love one another, bear with one another in burdens and lift one another up. We've been called to show the love of Christ by modeling the very love He gives to us. But far too often we find excuses not to love someone while we proclaim to know just how much God loves us at the same time. I've done it. It's been done to me. But someone has to stop the cycle of hypocrisy. 

Not very long ago, I was spending time around someone who hurt me. I felt like running and hiding because of the lack of trust I felt for this person. I felt I couldn't trust them with my heart and felt the best thing to do was avoid them. But I couldn't avoid this person because they are a regular part of my life. And trying to avoid those who hurt us is like running from our problems. It doesn't fix anything. The person made a small effort to make things right and then stepped out with a gesture of love. Part of me wanted to resist when I felt the Lord speak into my heart, "Do not withhold love." I have never forgotten that moment and the lesson it brought to me, but it doesn't mean I don't still struggle with it. 

Scripture says nothing about loving those who make it easy. It says nothing about following our feelings to know when to love someone. It doesn't tell us to ever withhold love, yet somehow we have it in our minds that there is a time and a place to do just that. I speak from experience of the heart when I say, most of us are more likely to follow our feelings than our God. 

The call to love has nothing to do with entitlement. We aren't owed love by God,  but He loves us anyway. We aren't as great as we like to think we are and our sins are no better than anyone else's. Yet, many of us actually think we're more deserving than others. Many of us talk about grace while we practice selective obedience. Based on my convictions and what I read in scripture, here are some ways we can show love when we don't feel like it: 

1. Keep your words kind and your spirit gentle. We cause others to get defensive when we raise our voices and use harsh words. We provide excuses for them to keep doing what they're doing. We're most effective when we react in an unexpected manner. We don't have to be punching bags. We can still set boundaries while exercising love and self control. But we're no different than those who hurt us if we go around doing the same things.

2. Offer forgiveness even if they don't ask for it. I've often heard that those who hurt people are angry and hurting. They harbor unforgiveness against themselves and perhaps even others. They don't know how to deal with their pain, but grace offers a way. We aren't just doing them a favor, we're doing ourselves one too. We're getting rid of things that prevent us from drawing nearer to our Creator, our biggest source of comfort and grace. We also remove any excuse for the walls they keep up, because their eternity is as important as our own. When walls come down, people start to see things much more clearly and healing begins. 

3. Know when to draw near and when to offer space. I heard once that agape love, God's love, is about doing what's best for the other person. Sometimes people need space when they're angry because their anger is so overwhelming that they tend to say and do hurtful things. They lack self control, but there is nothing you can do to change that except remove yourself from their presence until they cool off. Otherwise they make a bigger mess and don't know their way out. To the contrary, sometimes people need someone to draw near to them. It's convicting and healing all at once when they see someone whom they hurt or have been hurt by remain near. It's a reminder that they aren't rejected and unloved, no matter what the enemy may be saying to them. It helps them fight against the lies so they can begin to know the truths.

4. Don't try to fix them. Let them be who they desire to be and make choices about their own behavior. We can't own what's in anyone else's heart or how they behave, and when we try we usurp their God-given right to free-will. Who are we to tell God that He is wrong for giving us this right? However, if they are sinning or hurting you, confront it in love. Confront it with facts and base it on their behavior, not their heart. None of us can fully discern another's heart. Making assumptions just makes a bigger mess. Establish or reaffirm clear boundaries for yourself and then walk away if necessary. Leave the rest up to the Lord. Having faith means we have to trust Him to do right in even the smallest places. This is one I have particularly struggled with. But practicing it provides incredible freedom to those of us "fixers." God is all about setting us free. 

5. Pray for them. Let them know you're praying for them, if possible. I have learned that when I start praying for others, God brings healing and perspective to me while He works on them as well. God is not a one-sided God. He is fair. He wants us to be willing to understand others just like we desire to be understood. If I approach God with faith, a willingness to believe the unseen, He opens my mind further. I begin to see things about the situation I didn't see before. I begin to see Him at work when all I could see before were the barriers. 

God is in the business of caring about each of us, but not because of who we are. It's because of who He is. Therefore know that He loves you and your enemies. He is most glorified when we honor Him when our situations make it hard. He insists that we, "Don't deprive love." Otherwise, how will they know that we truly are His?

Pointing In The Wrong Direction

I've heard it said that you don't heal until you own your part in the mess. And the more I think about this, the more I realize it's true.

Think about it: We only give others power over us and our healing when we play the blame game. The one we assign blame to is ultimately the one we assign power to heal us. Anytime we focus on blaming others we put healing on hold, waiting for someone else to make it right. What if they never do? Or what happens when they try to make amends and we don't do our part to move on? Other people can try to do right all day long but one person cannot change the heart of another because we're each responsible for our own heart.

Scripture gives us a lot of direction. Much of it is hard to accept but its all for our own good. And scripture is clear in that we're to forgive, shake off our feet and move on. It directs us to discuss things with those who hurt us and ask for forgiveness from those we hurt. Over and over in the new testament, we're told to resist bitterness. Why? Because it dirties up our hearts. It puts distance in our relationship with God and with others. It allows us to justify thoughts and actions God does not justify. And it makes us miserable and mean.

We are called to a life of courage and freedom, so sin can be anything that keeps us from our calling. When we learn to take sin and our calling seriously, we want to deal with those areas of defeat quickly and effectively. That's why knowing scripture and having a relationship with Jesus is so important. In Christ, we have the ability to live free.

Now, there is no perfect human, nor do any of us do the right thing all the time. If we think about it, we have a part in nearly every dysfunction that plagues our life. Much of our own pain is owed to our thinking patterns. We've hurt others just as we've also been hurt. We do things to others that we wouldn't dare tolerate from them. 

We manipulate, but we won't be manipulated. We become wounded when someone won't let us control them. We remember every hurtful word said to us but can't remember the ones we said. We gossip but get angry when we're gossiped about. We enable the very behaviors we want to end. We fail others just as they fail us. Yet when we feel hurt, we find a way to dodge ownership by focusing more on what was done to us than what we've done. 

Of course there are things that happen to us that we have no control over. Abusive, painful and murderous acts happen everywhere and they are never okay. We can't control the hearts of others. We can't make them do right by us or even love us. But we won't have to answer for their hearts. We answer for our own. 

Whether you stay bound or not is partly your own choice. You can choose to own your part and forgive. But it also takes a relationship with the only One who can set you free. You can't embrace your healer with clenched fists. You have to surrender everything and receive His love with arms wide open. He can bear your pain and He stands waiting. He can empower you to forgive but healing must begin with ownership, not blame. Are you ready to do what it takes?

Three Thoughts for the Thinker

Joyce Meyer once said, "Your thoughts form your behavior." And she's right. No matter how much we try to bottle them up, they come out. They have the power to destroy us, our relationships and those around us, if we aren't proactive.

I am an obsessive thinker, so this is a topic that I spend a lot of time on. I struggle with the many thoughts that swarm my head and have on more than one occasion believed the wrong ones to be true. For years, I believed I was stuck being the slave to my thoughts - I think it, thus I am trapped to it. But thinking thoughts isn't exactly the problem. The problem occurs when we dwell or act on those thoughts, and this is something we can control.

The past year of my life has brought me to terms with my biggest problem - my thinking. Once I began surrendering my thoughts to God's Word, He started revealing the flaws in my thinking and replacing them with these things. I don't think I am the only one who needs them, so I want to share them with you. I encourage you to say them to yourself as you read them. Say them every time you struggle with opposing thoughts. There is no better way to battle bad thoughts than to replace them with good ones.

1. I am loved by God, the most important person ever. He is far more capable of love than any one of us. Real, healthy and godly love would not and does not exist without Him. If He is not the center in my heart and relationships, I am unable to love. Healing is impossible without godly love. His love,  even if it's all I have, is enough. His love is heals. And it never changes because it's based on who He is, not what I do.
Look it up: Matthew 6: 26, I John 3: 1, Romans 8:37-39, John 3:16, I John 4:8

2. I am never really alone because God is always near. He promised never to leave or forsake His own and He honors His word regardless of what my emotions say. I may not always feel His presence but as a believer, I am guaranteed it. He talks to me and He listens. Nothing I tell him can drive him away. He even understands my pain because He suffered too. His presence is more fulfilling than any other, and is enough to fulfill me like no other.
Look it up: Exodus 33:14, Jeremiah 29:13, 2 Corinthians 12:9, 2 Corinthians 4:16-17, I John 4:4, Deuteronomy 31:8, Joshua 1:9, Isaiah 41:10

3. He makes all things work in my best interest even when I can't see it. He is the ultimate planner and knows what is best for me. Nothing that happens can stop Him from doing right by me. He knows what's best for me far better than I ever could. My circumstances never reflect powerlessness on His behalf, but His real glory. But I can't see if I don't intentionally look at it through lenses of faith. It all comes down to taking Him at His word.
Look it up: Jeremiah 29:11, Leviticus 26:13, Psalm 37:23-24, Romans 8:28

We learn early in life not to trust others with our thoughts because we live in a culture that is afraid to be real. We're so hard on one another. But we need to know that we don't have to let our thoughts rule us and we don't have to hide in the dark. We believers can have victory over this stuff if we have the faith to pursue it before our thoughts destroy us.

Fight the good fight and finish the race, my dear friends. Don't let this world make you forget how big your God is. We're just passing through.

Hanging On To Letting Go

I have this struggle. Of course I have many, but this one that keeps causing me so much heartache and pain that I have been forced to rethink it. I have a hard time letting go of what I cannot fix or change. Even more so, I have trouble knowing when something is mine to fix or whether I am usurping God's role. I have some faulty connections in my thinking that God has been in the process of healing. They do not stretch my faith and they are not mine to carry. I am learning to let go.

Sometimes, I find myself believing that by doing the right thing, my relationships will get better. But sometimes they don't, so I kick into overdo it mode. Instead of accepting that doing the right thing doesn't guarantee good relationships, I keep trying to fix it. My faulty expectations dirty up my good works. Now, this is not always my motive, but I've noticed that it's always the case when I come out disappointed. I would like to say that the things is my heart are always pure, but my actions ultimately speak of my true beliefs.

It's good to want great relationships and peace and harmony but the fact is I cannot change anyone else's heart. It's good to love others, but unhealthy motives gone unchecked can cause loads of disappointment on both ends. This doesn't mean I should just give up, but that I have to rely on God more than I presently do. How can I say that God is good if I keep trying to fix things myself?

I realize I'm not the only one who struggles with this mindset. As far back as Adam and Eve, we humans have an unhealthy desire to be autonomous. We like to think we have all we need to change our surroundings and we alone are enough to do it. We don't ask God and we darn sure don't think we have the time to wait on Him because think we have to do what we do. And we think we're somehow entitled to good relationships if we serve Him, but that's not true. 

Come to think of it, I've rarely ever seen godly change take place simply because we humans have trouble letting go of the idea we can fix or change ourselves and one another. Even though that change never really happens, we just keep doing what we do because we're either too afraid of change, we don't know another way, we have too much pride to surrender or we want our own way on our own time more than anything else.  

God loves it when we lay down our so-called "right" to fix things, determined to wait on Him. He is teaching me that giving it to Him doesn't mean I quit but that I stop worrying about it and trust Him to do with it what He knows to be best. It's only right that I serve Him without expecting anything in return. Practicing this gives me the sense of freedom He desires for all of us because without peace, we're just bound up in chains of some kind.

10 Truths for the Battle of the Mind

I set out to write down these things for myself. But then I realized that you're all in the battlefield with me, waring with thoughts and feelings of sorts. Life is a series of potholes and hills, making it crucial that we learn to walk on all types of terrain. The consequences for taking this lightly are at least pain and misery. These are things that address my most common struggles, and I bet some of yours as well.

1. You are loved by God no matter what. He has already proven this on the cross as well as all of the other unmerited favor He has shown in your life. Proverbs 8:17

2. You have never really been alone. When in doubt, look back at the times when you either survived something hard or were blessed abundantly. Nothing is by accident. If you will trust Him, you'll see that He takes even the bad and makes it work to your advantage through growth in character among other things. Isaiah 41:10

3. Your security can stand firm only in Him, not in people or things. Believers send a message about their faith when we base our worth on anything other than Jesus Christ. There is a commandment that addresses this -- it's idolatry. What we really believe comes out in what we consistently think. I not only say it, but I examine my own faith this way as well. He has to be the One we love most, thus putting His love for us above what others think. People change, feelings change, but God never does. Psalm 18:2

4. You cannot change others and it's not your job. Odds are, you didn't even create their issue. We all have some mess inside that needs Jesus' touch. Pray for them and remember that you commit some of the very sins as them.  This will help you to show them the grace you would want when you don't feel like it. Ezekiel 36:26-27

5. Guard your thoughts and heart from negative emotions in order to stay under the wings of God's mercy. Otherwise, you put yourself under the law of judgment because you can't ask for mercy you won't give. Let go of bitterness, jealousy, envy, strife, gossip and petty nitpicking. We are all broken, whether we see it or not, and can find things wrong with one another if we aren't practicing grace. Nitpicking puts the nitpicker under the microscope to those he nitpicks. Proverbs 4:23

6. Some things do not require a response, but even then you have to guard our tongue in every circumstance. Responding when it's not necessary is like pulling a scab off a big, ugly sore. Remember that there is a time to stand up and say your peace, but wisdom takes application. Your feedback is not always welcome or wise. Sometimes things will get better faster if you don't say a word. How often does your tongue cause damage, leaving you the bad guy and the point you were trying to make mere moot? I am struck by how often we do the things to others that have hurt us most. Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 17:28

7. God will fight for you.  The more worked up you get, the more likely it is that you just need to let go of it and give it to God. He can bear it. He knows what's best and can fix anything. We just aren't meant to carry all this stuff. Learning to apply this produces greater faith because it puts your trust in God to work. Exodus 14:14

8. Focus on the Lord instead of others, yourself or the hurts you have been dealt. In order to be most effective for the kingdom, you must discipline your mind! I once read this statement: You must choose your thoughts like you choose your clothes. Focusing on God and His words produces healing. Focusing too much on people or our problems produces disappointment and even sickness. God has plenty of wonderful and mysterious attributes to keep you uplifted for eternity. Psalm 25:15

9. Feelings rarely ever provide an accurate assessment of reality. But if you pay close attention, you will find that they expose faulty thought patterns and even strongholds that need to be dealt with. Don't let them boss you around. Disciplining your mind will help to deal with bossy emotions. I am learning that so much of a believer's walk requires mental discipline as a prerequisite. Jeremiah 17:9, I John 3:20

10. You are gifted for a certain mission in the kingdom. But you must listen to the Holy Spirit to know what that is. It may take years to unfold as God prepares you for it. Stay tuned to to Him to find out more. Never think you are expected or able to do it alone. I Peter 4:10, I Timothy 4:14

Annie Impson's Testimony

Today, I am sharing the testimony of a brave woman who was led to share her story with me and with you. I believe there is something in every story that encourages others to keep going as it reminds us that we can never go too far that God's loving redemption can't reach us. I hope Annie's story gives you hope. She reminds me that we are all gifted for a certain mission. If you have a story you wish to share, please contact me at JenniferLTravis76@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you.

The Personal Testimony of Annie Impson

I grew up in a preacher's home were the Bible was taught to us on a daily basis, and we went to church every time the doors were open. I made many professions of faith when I was a child, but it wasn’t until I was 18 a senior in high school on March 12,2001 that I truly accepted the Lord Jesus as my personally Savior!

After high school I went to a Christian college and that is where I met my first husband. My parents were not in agreement with me marrying him, but I thought I knew more than they did. They kept telling me it wasn’t God’s will for me to marry him. I didn’t want to listen. We married in the summer of 2003 without my parent’s blessing. I realize now this is never a way to start a marriage. Once we were married my parents encouraged us to stay married.

We got pregnant right way and had a little girl, Madelyn Grace, the following summer --June 2004. After we had Madelyn and been married for a couple of years some things were going on that were not right. We went to church only because I wanted to. He would only go because I wanted him to, not because it was right thing to do. I thought he was saved because of what he had told me. His actions spoke louder than his words. My husband thought it was okay to call me degrading names and to look at pornography. He tried to convince me that it was okay to look at it together. I never liked it but wanted to please my husband. But then he started looking at in secret. We would get into verbal fights about it, but it didn’t take long before he did hit me. I always said I would never let a man hit me, but it happened. He refused to give up looking at porn. I decided to leave because I wasn’t going to be in a mental and physical abusive marriage, or be in a marriage were looking at porn was okay. Looking at pornography is a form of adultery and it is wrong.

I moved back home and we were suppose to get counseling and try to work things out, but he refused to change and refused counseling. I filed for divorce. During that time I got away from the Lord, playing the prodigal child. It wasn't long before I found out I was pregnant. And I was scared because I already had one child, was working and living on my own, as well as going through a nasty custody battle and divorce. I wondered how I could I raise another child, especially without his father.

I confronted the father and he told me to get an abortion. I was 3 months pregnant before my I told my parents. They both just took me in their arms and held me and cried. Little did I know, they were praying and begging God to do something to wake me up and bring me back to Him because I wasn’t living right. I was hurting and doing everything I could to get rid of my hurt. I knew I needed to read my Bible and trust the Lord to handle it all, but I didn’t. I allowed Satan to wedge into my situations and work destruction. I thank God for a praying mom and dad, and that they didn't give up on me. I am very grateful for godly parents and for them being constant in their Christian lives.

I decided to leave the world alone and follow Christ. It wasn’t easy to do but with the Lord’s help on a daily basis, I stayed focused on getting my life on the right road again. About a month went by before I met Jason, a coworker at the time. Jason was also going through a divorce and custody battle of his own, and his wife had committed the adultery towards him and she would not turn from her ways either. He invited me over for supper to meet his girls. After supper we started talking and I told him I was pregnant. Even though the child wasn't his and we barely knew each other, he was excited. It was like I was telling him I was pregnant with his baby. I thought this man was crazy – mostly that he actually respected me. Very early into this relationship, I wanted him to meet my parents because I wanted this relationship to be parent approved.

After Jason spoke with my parents, they said I wasn’t in a place to be dating anyone but if they had to choose anyone for me to date, it would be Jason. They asked that we just remain friends and get to know each other first. During this friendship, we fell in love and he fell in love with my daughter and my unborn son. I had my baby in the spring of 2008.

Jason made a profession of faith earlier in life, much like I did. But two months before we were married, he realized he wasn't and accepted Jesus as Lord in his life. We were married in the fall of that same year. The first year was admittedly tough because we were combining two families, but with the Lords help we made it through it.

We both began serving in our church. I became the full time pianist and started singing in church again. Jason became a sound man, serving as the treasurer in our church. He also began preaching in a prison ministry on Tuesday nights. We sincerely wanted to be servants as it satisfied us. Jason also had mentioned the possibility of us as missionaries, but I was quick to say no because of hurts I had seen in the church. I didn't want my children exposed to them. So Jason stopped talking about it and started praying.

About a year later, we were invited to a prison revival in Mississippi. I was able to see what my husband really did every Tuesday night. I was also given the opportunity to sing my testimony song, “A Trophy of Grace.” I truly believe in the grace of God and what it has done for me.

I had never seen the Holy Spirit move like He did that day, as thirty souls or more came to Christ. I loved it! After the revival ended, I couldn’t sleep. The Lord was dealing very heavily with my heart about being a missionary and going and telling others about Him. After wrestling with it, I said, “ Lord I’m willing to go if that’s want you want me to do.” I slept well after that. On the way home the next day, I admitted to Jason that the Lord has called us to the mission field. Jason began crying with tears of joy because he already knew already it was God's will that we be missionaries. He didn’t want to go without me and was praying the Lord would change my heart --and He did. My next question was, “Where?” Australia was the answer.

We are still working in our church as we work towards the goal of Australia. I can’t wait to see what the Lord has for us over there. I’m honestly a little scared of the unknown but with the Lord’s help I know I can do anything. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

And Matthew 6:33 is our life verse: “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

My personal life verse is Galatians 5:16 “This I say walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” I truly believe this to be true because I have to walk with Him daily so I don’t do what I want to do. I wholeheartedly want to be used of God and help others who are going through things I have been through. One of my greatest desires is to help others.

Faith Opportunities

I had a rough day the day before and I did by best not to let it weigh on me as I sat in the shower with my mind toggling between praying and trying to figure it all out. I desperately wanted some direction since I hate not knowing what to do or expect. Like many of you, I struggle with things I do not understand. You see, I am one of those obsessive thinkers. My mind stops only when I give up trying to fix it myself and turn it over to Jesus to handle. But old habits only die through persistence with good ones. It hasn't become instinctive to give it straight to Him without trying to fix it in my head first.  

While I was still in the shower, my mental storm suddenly stopped and I felt the words, "Lean not on your own understanding" being spoken to me. It took a few seconds before I realized God was snapping me out of another one of my fix-it moments. I had been trying to understand something on my own that I had no line of sight into. I was about to pass up a chance trust my King. I had to make a choice. I could weigh myself down trying to figure out things or I could take this opportunity to grow in faith by trusting God with my problem. In that moment, I gave it to Him.

I knew the words spoken to me came from the Holy Spirit. They also are words found scripture. But I couldn't remember where, so I looked it up. Here's what scripture says: 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

As I spoke that over and over in my mind, I headed for my morning coffee. I felt challenged to consider the words carefully. Here is what I came away with:

1. Trust in the Lord is where our faithful talk gets put into a faithful walk. We humans are so stubborn that we have the urge to feel our own way through when we can't see a thing. Sitting still doesn't come natural to many of us. But I have been feeling my way around for far too long. I've missed out on too many faith opportunities. I have more peace when I trust God with my junk. 

2. Lean not on your own understanding means stop trying to think you get it. Stop trying to figure stuff out on your own because all you'll come away with is what's on the surface. You won't be able to see deep into the hearts of others.  It's hard for us to accept that we can't see as well as we think we can.  But God knows the root of everything. He knows our hearts even when we do not. 

3. In all your ways, submit to Him means that we have to yield. We have to let Him go ahead of us and wait for Him to walk at His own pace. He will fight our battles. He already knows everything, He doesn't have to think about it to figure it out. He promises to take care of us, but a lack of belief is what keeps us from being hands-off. We have to quit being in such a hurry to get past every hurdle and learn to wait with full trust that we serve a faithful God. 

4. He will make your paths straight means He will provide direction. Direction is what we all want, right? I think most of us feel like we have no idea what we're doing in some area of our life. But here's the kicker - true direction comes when we trust Him and not our own selves. We don't get direction from trying to fix everything. It comes with submission to let Him lead, willingness to wait on Him and trust that He is working things out for our own good even when we can't see anything happening. We are never more blind than in our "I'll fix it myself" moments.

Here's another thing that happened to me on this day. I had bought a new coffee mug less than 48 hours ago that read: Trust in the Lord. I didn't put two and two together right away.  But my eyes met my cup as I was pondering the scripture and I realized God was at work on this matter long before it even happened. He knew what I would need long beforehand. It's no coincidence that the words come from the same verse He spoke to me during my struggle. 

God cares about our details. His word says He is at work to make all things work for us and not against us. I challenge you to practice trusting Him in your hardest moments. You'll never be more blessed. My own hardest moments have crucial in learning just how much He cares. 

Foolish Intellect

He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But he who walks wisely will be delivered. Proverbs 28:24

We live in a society that values intelligence over wisdom. But what if our intelligence means nothing without  discernment? We are so focused on what we know and how to know more that we miss this important point. So what then if knowing how to apply knowledge is just as important the knowledge itself? Doesn't that then mean we "smart" ones have as great a capacity of looking like fools as anyone else?

Before I go any further, I feel I should define some things.  A fool is merely someone who lacks judgement. Wisdom is the not only the ability to think, but to think AND act using knowledge, experience, understanding and common sense. Neither term has anything to do with book smarts or even the standard societal norm. 

I love to learn. But I realize how foolish knowledge alone can make us look. I know a lot of smart people, but not a lot of wise ones. I have a lot of knowledge in my head but I am prone to the "fool" plague like any other. Many of us have often spoken without assessing the how and what in dealing with others. We spew out knowledge, hoping to be admired for our intelligence but those who know the difference see our immaturity. We tend to think we are revealing our intelligence, when what really shows is our hearts. 

Wisdom takes place in the heart. It changes how we apply what we know. We each have to evaluate our own hearts. A good place to start is with our words and thoughts because what we think eventually comes out of our mouths. We must ask ourselves, are we just full of knowledge or are we wise? Because being set apart means we don't judge ourselves by the norm. 

Filled and Fulfilled

                      

If you have everything you want and still feel empty, then what? What if you never have all you want and feel you have no hope of ever being fulfilled? Or what if you spend your whole life seeking after things that you think will make you happy, only to be disappointed?

Many who have money and/or material possessions still feel empty. Watch one episode of "hoarders" or pay attention to the state of Hollywood and you'll see that people everywhere, of all creeds, backgrounds and colors seek fulfillment in things of this world to no avail. I know a few hoarders, successful and rich people. Those who cling to it are miserable and tormented. They spent so much time and effort protecting their money and material things that they become bitter and angry. They are so tied up in bondage even though most wouldn't admit it. 

Scripture tells us that it is the wise man who accepts that fulfillment can't be found in things of this world. So what is our problem?

1. Everything in this world is broken. 

2. We were created to have a yearning for a relationship with our creator that can only be satisfied by our Creator. 

We, believers, are just as vulnerable to seeking fulfillment in things and relationships of the world. We look for fame or money or dream jobs. So often we claim to be waiting on God all while we are so miserable. We say we want God's will but our heart says we just want our way. How do I know? I have been just as guilty.  I have been convicted of my own selfishness and my pouty attitude. 

But we are His witnesses to the world. We are the very ones who must learn to have those empty places filled by Him before we can expect to fulfill our own calling. Beloved, we weren't called to live an unfulfilled life, but one of fulfillment found solely in Him. 

We have a serious issue of unbelief in the church. God had to reveal it to my heart before I could see it in others. It's what causes our inconsistencies, and the world takes notice. We look for things of this world to fill us and when they don't, we grow discouraged. Our reactions to life's circumstances reveal where we really place our hope. 

We won't see any change in the world unless Christians first place their every hope in Jesus Christ.  Many of you are saying, " But I do!" But I ask you to look one more tme. Do you really? Is there any area of your life where when you don't get what you want, you throw an emotional two-year-old tantrum? We must be reminded that God judges the heart. 

Others need to see hope that is real. Shouldn't we be modeling true fulfillment in God alone? Because if we aren't part of the solution, we're ultimately part of the problem. 

My Lessons on Fasting

Fasting is usually taught in relation to food but it can actually be anything we willfully sacrifice for the sake of breakthroughs in an area of our life. It's ultimately our admittance that we need God. For years I did not know this. I fasted for short periods of time in my early days as a Christian but I did not see any benefits. Maybe it was because my eyes weren't yet opened, maybe I did not have enough faith, maybe I wasn't doing it expectantly or had the wrong motives. Or maybe for some of us, food is not that thing we have an issue with. Maybe we run to other things to fill us when we're empty.  

I exempted myself from fasting from food years ago because my blood sugar tends to run low. I, therefore, decided I didn't need to fast. But then the Lord laid it on my heart to fast from wine as I had been going through a difficult period of sifting. Although I did not have a problem with alcohol and didn't understand what this would accomplish, I was desperate for more of Him in my life. I had tasted healing and wanted more. I couldn't dare compromise my healing with disobedience. Even more recently I felt a fast was in order once again. This time, it took a lot of prayer to find out what needed temporary removal from my life. The results were simple-- Facebook and sweets. 

For those of you who are like I was, struggling to find the value in fasting, I feel should share my lessons. Please don't walk away thinking I am presenting myself holier than you or expecting recognition for my fasting. My personal struggle with pride would ensure this stayed between me and Him, except that I felt His call to write it and share it. That being said, here is what I have learned from fasting:

1. Fasting helps us realize just how much we rely on things to fill us when only He can. It opens our eyes to the distractions in our lives. We tend to rely on a lot of things in this world to satisfy and fill us even in the smallest of ways, causing us to forget how much we need God. We don't think these little things mean much in our hearts or lives until we do without them. But God calls believers to a life of being set apart, of reliance on Him to fill us. And yet we so easily get caught up doing what unbelievers do-- relying too much on our creature comforts that we have no ability to focus on God or that we lose desire for Him. Many of these things we rely upon are unnecessary, while others may be overly used or abused. Anything that keeps us from putting Him first or focusing on Him is an idol. Awareness has nothing to do with it. We can have tons of idols and not even know it. It doesn't make it anything less than idolatry. 

All of those things will fail to completely fill us as we all have a longing for more that only He can satisfy. We were created to be companions with Him. We were made to need Him in our empty places. God is not one to be manipulated or play along with our games when we just want Him to give us our way. He is so wise and holy that our minds can't comprehend it. He deserves our respect our primary focus. We ought to be looking to serve Him, not the other way around. It does us good to get some of those things out of the way so we can be sensitive to His Spirit, the Holy Spirit, in order to do so. 

2. Fasting isn't about being miserable but finding our happiness in the right place, the unchanging God whose greatness is beyond our full comprehension. Our faith is increased as our eyes are opened to new things. Perspective and vision changes as we begin to pray more, seek God more. He loves it when we are sincere about seeking Him. He wants to open our eyes, but we have to be willing. We begin to see His hand in everything and understand His goodwill towards us. We find more satisfaction in God than ever before as we surrender things willfully for the sake of getting more of Him. As His love begins to fill us, we realize how foolish we were to think anything else could.

3.Fasting changes our appetite and creates a new hunger. I have noticed that I want that thing I fasted from even less than I did before when I have surrendered it to Him for a period of time. It doesn't satisfy me like it once did, therefore it doesn't have the hold on me it once did. Even if that thing wasn't abused before, the idea that I want it less is a positive thing. Habits change and cravings change for the best as we surrender them to the Lord, who replaces it with a hunger for Him. 

4. Fasting helps us determine to obey God over our fleshly cravings. It requires us to say "no" to ourselves as we say "yes" to God. And we have to rely on His strength to get through the fast. Don't dare believe for one minute that we can do anything worth doing on our own. Anytime we try, we'll come out dry. A fast requires constant reliance on God for saying "no" as well as any results it produces.

Are you struggling to hear the Lord? Do you find yourself so distracted that you can't focus on Him? Do you hunger and thirst for closeness to Him? Or does something have a hold on your mind or life to cause you to believe you need it? Do you feel imprisoned and desire to be set free from any bondage? Well, my dears, I bet a fasting is in order. That thing you find most comfort in is often the place to start. Let Him show you what deliverance and healing is like...offer it up.

in Spite of Challenges

Now that it's officially Spring, I have noticed the blooming trees sporadically everywhere I go. I was driving along recently and noticed how these are rarely, if ever, in clusters. More often than not, they grow up in brush and weeds and bring beauty to dull areas. The Lord brought it to my attention that these trees are symbolic of us as Christians. We tend to believe we must have these ideal circumstances in order to be fruitfull, or more often, to feel good about ourselves. But in Christ, we have the ability to blossom in spite of our circumstances or surroundings. And through Christ, we can decide to surrender our own message to one much greater. 

I need to start out by saying that I had to come to a place of identifying it in myself before I could discern it in others. So many times over the course of my life, I find myself focusing on my limitations, my environment, enemy or circumstances. Instead of having faith in what God can do, I have let my apparent obstacles win my thoughts. I often struggled with the Lord over these things, thinking if only things were different I could 1. Feel better about myself and 2. Be further along in my growth. But in all honesty, when I examine my heart I realize that it was mostly about me.

Before I go any further, I need to say it is increasingly obvious that I do not struggle alone. Our struggles, if we're honest, are things others can identify with. I think it's key that we know that. I believe God has a purpose of setting others free as He calls me ro share mine. 

My point in this entry is this: Everyone of us can find things in our lives that aren't so perfect, no matter how good we've had it. Isn't it just like us ro think that we need to have certain conditions in life to fluorish, as if God can only work with certain situations? We tend to think, "If I just didn't have this one thing, I could feel better about me." And in doing so, we forget that our focus should be on what brings Him the most glory, not ourselves. 

Every beautiful thing around us is a miracle by God's supernatural powerr and I bet you are one of them. Look closely. Jesus, our Teacher and our King, spent His time on Earth healing the sick and broken, not making religious people more religious. He didn't call us to be a bunch of perfectionists, but to trust Him to bring good from our circumstances because He Is in control. He has been working wonders in this broken world long before, and even after the fall. He has proven to me time and time again that He is the only one who can fix a mess like me. 

Be encouraged. He is at work in you!

Beyond Statistics

I should have been a statistic. But I am a walking display of God's grace, and I bet you are too. 

I wasn't raised in a Christian home. My parents separated when I was very little and my mom raised us for several years alone. She often worked two jobs to make ends meet and relied on me to help out at home beginning at a very young age. She did the best she could and it didn't kill me. She later married my step dad and we moved around quite a bit. To add to the cards stacked against me, I witnessed abuse more times than i can count and experienced some forms of it myself. But I was an ambitious child nonetheless. 

I often heard these words in my head: You're just a statistic. And key studies and leaders documented it abundantly. It was a common belief, and still is, that children raised in divorced homes, abuse or by single parents ultimately grow up to be non-productive members of society and become what we saw. I did my best to ignore those words because I had deep internal drive to do and be more. All I knew was that I had dreams and I wanted more. 

I'm not famous or rich, but I'm not a statistic either. I tell you these things not in pride or out of self-hate, but because I believe some of you can identify. I wonder if you've heard those words in your head or even aloud. I believe you are a walking miracle, evident of God's grace in some way or another. You have overcome something, not by yourself, but by God's gracious mercy and strength. And you have dreams and ambitions in you, of which the purest form are mere gifts from your Creator. And I believe that if you were meant to live a defeated life or fall into any category of statistics, you would not have them. 

Don't let anyone tell you that you are defeated or that you have no hope. Don't let anyone lump you into any category, regardless of what you've done or what has been done to you. The very desire you have in you for more comes from Him. He hasn't given up on you, and  He won't. Let him guide you in your ambitions and dreams.  Let Him develop them and He will build on and multiply these things. 

First Love

I have really struggled with extreme feelings of being unloved over the past few months. But the more I think about it,  the more I realize I always have. It's just really rearing it's head these days as I have the surface struggles cleared away. I have a family and friends who love me, yes. But regardless of all the people in my life, whom one would expect to be constant reminders of how much I am loved, i have battled thoughts of being unloveable and unworthy of love almost incessantly. And i make it worse because i have this uncanny ability manage to locate any gaps in every one of those relationships to prove it to myself. And I'm sad to say that I have behaved like i am unloved more often than not. 

Some might say my loved ones need to step it up a notch. Others might say I am just letting my emotions rule me, and perhaps I am.  But God has shown me that it all boils down to this: Deep down, I do not fully believe God's unconditional love for me. 

His Word speaks chapter after chapter of his boundless love and I have no problem believing it for everyone else. But somehow I rationalize the idea that I don't have to believe what I don't understand when it comes to this because i can't see how He can love me so greatly when I don't feel i deserve it. That, my dear one, is my insecurity showing. Insecurity is an obvious sign that we don't believe God's word for ourselves but believe it for everyone else. Insecurity threatens our calling if we don't address it. 

I am a Christian and faith is a must for me. Without it, i am calling the God I speak so fondly of a liar- He is not. Without faith, I become useless and unmoved in His kingdom. I am learning thst faith doesn't require us to see or understand, only to believe what He says. We can't witness to others if we don't believe it and accept it for ourselves first. What we feeli inside will ultimatley make it's way out through our words, actions and treatement of others. 

Don't get me wrong - I believe our emotions have a role. They are not meant to guide us but they can tell us about our own hearts. My own tell me there is a gap in my faith bcause not only do i battle it, I tend to believe it more often than not. I have hope other than Jeaus Christ, and so i can't ignore gaps in my faith. My life apart from Him is more miserable than I can put to words. 

Faith is a gift and a choice. We can ask Him to open our eyes but if we choose not to believe, we have not done our part. Believing is a necessary form of obedience. It does not require our emotions to play along, but for us to obey despite them. Therefore, I have to set out to believe what He says, even when my emotions are dim. 

And yes, it's great when we love one another, and we should. There is a concept called The Five Love Languages, based on a book by Gary Chapman. This concept pretty much calls out that each of feel love in one of five ways. And as true as it is, is not meant to be a form of hope. It's meant to help us understand how various things make us each feel loved, thus it helps us to understand how to better love one another. But people fail, it's inevitable. So what happens when those around us can't or don't show us love in ways we comprehend? If our hope is others-based, we wind up discouraged and lose hope repeatedly. Even if they do everything right, we may not feel loved if we miss the first piece of the puzzle of love - God's love for us. 

But it doesn't have to be that way! God will never fail. We might not always get what we want, but He will never fail to give us the love we need. He will never leave or forsake us. His love isn't built on the premise of what we do, but on who He is. I've heard it a thousand times, but it HAS to sink into my head. I desperately need it to. It starts in my heart and mind with a choice because the proof is far and wide. I vow to choose to believe it repeatedly. 

Are you or have you struggled with this too? Know that God loves me and you. He loved us before we existed. He loved us before we ever even knew of Him. I encourage you, as I am also doing, to practice speaking in faith. Learn His Word in areas of the struggle and use it to combat those thoughts. We have to choose repeatedly to believe Him in all aspects, otherwise we won't be able to love Him properly. As a result, we won't be able to love anyone else as we are called to do because without proper priority in the love chain, we will have major issues in our relationships. This step of faith is crucial to our calling. He commanded us to love Him, then others. But without knowing that we can do so only because He first loved us, we will remain stuck. 

Lessons from the Storm

The past 4 plus months have felt like a never-ending storm. At times, I feel like I have been run through a sifter and it just hurts to breathe. But then at the same time I can tell you that I can breathe and have come this far only by the grace of God. And I now know what it's like to be so well cared- for by my King when it's obvious that every moment I survive what it means to be held. I wouldn't know that without this storm. I will honestly say that I haven't made it hard for satan to attack me. I have gaps in my battle gear that God is repairing through healing and teaching. Nonetheless, I feel led to share what i have learned from my own storm. 

1. Initially you may feel angry, hurt, abandoned or unworthy because of this but God doesn't intend for people to fix you or meet all of your needs in such a way that you forget your need for Him. The storm is where you choose your focus, God or people. When things get really hard, and you feel unlovable, people will fall into two groups: ones who try but are limited in their ability to help you and those who are uninterested in your struggle for various reasons. Let these moments of loneliness drive you to seeking Him more. And don't stop when you feel like you're in the clear because your next battle is just around the corner. If you aren't preparing for it, you'll be tossed to and fro as you scramble for truth in the dark. It's no different than not knowing where your candles and oil lamps are stashed when the electricity goes out. 

2. God will be there, whether you feel Him or not. He will be working good from what seems so awful by changing you. He cares about your pain, after all He loves you immensely because you are His creation. I've struggled with this one a lot and realize how i have hindered my own self and helped the enemy when i listened to my feelings or the lies in my head. Don't make that mistake. If you have, it's never too late to simply choose to believe. I promise you that he honors that. Faith is both a gift and a choice. You can choose to believe your feelings or only what you can see or you can choose to believe in His promises even though you may not be able to see them yet. You are not alone, physically or emotionally. 

3. Your suffering offers a choice in the form of a fork in the road. Choose the one that makes you more pure at heart, like Jesus. To the left you can walk through what appears to be a rose garden --where you learn to look out for number one, avoiding a thorn at every turn since every man is for himself. To the right, you can choose to go rock climbing-- where you have obvious highs and lows. This is where you are made more like Jesus as you develop strength, endurance and an understanding of teamwork. This is where suffering is not in vain because it accomplishes good. Bitterness or forgiveness, love or hate, selfishness or selflessness? Love always offers a choice. 

4. There can be a raging storm on the outside, with peace on the inside if you surrender the storm to Jesus. Being in God's word, in prayer and in a posture of trust makes all the difference.  Satan comes at me with so many lies still, and when i do not don't know truth, i am nothing but a bobble on a fishing line with the devil holding the pole. I have been in this position so many times that I can't do it anymore. I know Christians who advocate that is it unnecessary to read or study God's word regularly but i can tell you that they are those who have not seen it's healing power and are the angriest, most bitter people i know. What you expose yourself to the most will rule your heart and mind. There is nothing more comforting than God and His word. 

I never knew that He really is enough until He was all I had. I promise you, but even better- He promises that His love and comfort doesn't disappoint. If you are in a storm, I encourage you to WAIT on him to deliver you and BELIEVE that He is working behind the scenes to do just that in His time. Faith makes waiting precious when nothing else can. 

Love's Truths

As THE nationally recognized day of love is coming up, love is on my mind. I've been thinking about the differences in the way we're taught to love versus what scripture says about it and I have come up with a list of those attributes found in truth. Before I begin, let me just say that you are loved by our Creator regardless of what some may teach. If you aren't sure, scripture provides tons of proof. No Valentine's Day gift can top the Gift He has given us already.

1. Love originates with God. We are made in His image, therefore we inherited the ability to love from our Creator. Although every way of man has been tainted by the fall of Adam and Eve, making our love the selfish kind, God is the reason for the existence of love. This means we have to learn to love Him, learn who He is and how He loves in order to properly love others.

2. True, godly love, endures despite the reward or lack thereof. It is unselfish, requiring us to put aside our own selfish pursuits repeatedly. We've all had people love us because of what we could/do offer. But God loves us unconditionally. Nothing we can offer Him can compare to what He gives us. When I realize that, I want to learn to love others unconditionally also. Imagine the healing that could take place if we would let Him do that work within us.

3. Love is also enduring, patient and long suffering. Let's be honest, we live in a quitting world. It sucks to be given up on. Although people will fail us, God never will. He never gives up on us... No matter how many times we get it wrong. Knowing that God does this for us makes any argument of who deserves it and who doesn't a moot point.

4. Real love is an action, despite warm and fuzzy feelings, or absence thereof. It is a verb, not simply a noun. God is the noun part. God also does the verb part in the most pure form. Therefore, He calls us to follow His lead and do the verb end of this great thing.

5. Godly love is gentle, not overbearing or forcive. It lacks control and manipulation, even when the opportunities arise to do so. As we've all heard before, love offers a choice. This means we let people make their own choices, even when we don't agree. We don't try and force everyone to think like us, do what we do or change a heart when it isn't ours to change. We simply love, surrendering to God to do with it what He will. Just imagine how you would feel if you had no choice in that matter. Resentment would build and you would rebel. The greatest acts of love are freely given so there is no point in dirtying up a good thing.

6. Love is also considerate. It is the act of looking for ways to show people love, in ways that register with them. It requires us to use those brains God gave us. And why not since we use them for everything else? It doesn't always come natural, but is always intentional. It is a process of putting aside our needs and wants in order to find ways to meet those of others. I don't always do so well with this. I admit that I think about myself more than I like, and it hinders how much love I show. I am actually seeking to work on this with the Lord's help.

7. Love is rewarding, not depressing and discouraging. Giving unselfishly while also exercising self control within ourselves from seeking to please ourselves not only distracts us from miserable "whoa is me" thoughts but also helps to heal our hearts as we each recognize that this is our ultimata calling in life.  It helps us to see how much others need, keeping us from dangerous mindsets of isolation.

8. Love makes forgiveness possible. With God as our foundation and love as the premise to serving Him, we can't continue in any relationship without the willingness to forgive. This means we have to constantly remember all of the above. Otherwise unforgiveness taints every relationship we have and slowly sucks away at our ability to love.  Unforgiveness drains us of love as it fills us with selfish thoughts and unrealistic expectations. I can't express enough how impossible it is to forgive on our own since forgiveness is a cycle and is used in the process to purify our hearts. Do not try this on your own.

9. Love requires grace. Grace is unmerited favor. Scripture says that we are to love our enemies as well as our friends and family. Therefore, we have no choice but to practice the grace we are given every moment of our lives. It means we don't respond to others with the lack of love we may feel. It means we actively practice seeing each person as equally deserving as you of love and mercy and grace.

Good Purposes for Bad Memories

Just as I awoke one morning, memories of a certain time in my life flooded in. It was of a time when I intentionally hardened myself to the point that I was emotionally checked-out from the reality of my daily life. This memory was one of those in which I actually could feel, for a few seconds, the emotional prison that I was in. I remembered feeling lonely and angry at God and others for what I thought was an unfair life, one lesser than I thought I deserved. My reaction to life was so bad that I would daydream actively to forget the life I actually had. Those were dangerous daydreams, let me tell you. And I had not thought about that part of my past in a long time. 

Afterwards, it was clear that God was at work here, working to reveal something to me. But as usual, I didn't get it right away. Soon after, a similar encounter with my heart's past revealed that God was reminding me how bad it once was and how much He has already healed me. It seems He brought the memories back so that I would be reminded of how much He can do. So often, at the first sign of trouble we forget what He has already done in our lives. 

We are so much like the woman, whom during a famine, Elijah promised that her oil and flour would not run out. After the famine was over and she survived, she appears have forgotten what was already done for her by the way in which she reacted at the next sign of trouble. 

So she said to Elijah, “What do I have to do with you, O man of God? You have come to me to bring my iniquity to remembrance and to put my son to death!” 1 Kings 17:18

God wants all of us to be able to remember what He has done in our lives, otherwise we'll forget how far He has already delivered us. It encourages us to be faithful during future unknowns. Memories aren't always fun but they can serve a good purpose if we submit to God's purpose. Remembering, even if the memories are not so great, can be a really good thing spiritually. 

Mrs. I Can't Fix It

Recently my eyes were opened to how much I try to fix things that are outside of my ability. I have it so ingrained in my head that I have to fix whatever is broken that I keep trying to the extent that I don't know a stopping point. And then I wind up discouraged when I fail. Now our society would tell me that this makes me a hero but what's been revealed to me is that it's actually a shortcoming for my spiritual life and personal relationships. It takes more faith to pray, hold my tongue and listen for God's guidance than to rack my brain looking for ways to hurry things along. It takes incredible faith to wait and be still. I am so guilty of subconsciously trying to fix things instead of waiting on God to work, simply because my fears drive me instead of my faith. Ouch!

Waiting goes far beyond the ways in which many of us tend to simplify it.  For me it means I have to stop playing Mrs. Fix-it and admit that my way doesn't work partly because I am trying to perform a role that simply isn't mine. In the professional environment, it's widely known that we stay off of the toes of others by being respectful of role boundaries. We don't assume the role of others unless asked to. But in my own spiritual life I fail to practice this with my Creator and King. How dare I think myself so great that I try and assume the role of changing a heart or opening eyes that is merely His. 

Can you relate? Surely I am not the only Mrs. Fix-it there is. It's so crucial in this world of fixers that we remember that can't change ourselves and need God's gracious strength. It isn't about will-power. It's another one of those roles we cross when we don't ask for and lean on the help we need. We have to rely on Him continuously.  I am so thankful that He doesn't show me things and say, " Now you fix it...I'm leaving."

Please pray for me as I don't want to miss the lessons, nor can I afford to. God bless.

Comfort or Cure

If there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that I am not unlike other people. I feel many of the same things and have similar struggles. None of us are as weird as we think. For years, I believed the lie that no one can relate to me. But it stunted me from sharing my struggles or learning from those of others.

I preface this with that because I have come to realize something new about myself during my most recent series of struggles, and I hope you can learn from it also. God has opened my eyes to how instinctively I either try to fix things or expect things of this world fix me. I tend to put my hope in others to make me feel loved, accepted or open my eyes to things they can't even see. I also find myself leaning to other "comforts" of this world before and even more often than I run to God. I know we are made for community and that creature comforts aren't necessarily sin, but God has shown me His desire to be the first and foremost comfort in my life. He wants to change the way I think to the extent that He is my first instinct.

If we want healing like we have never had, we've got to stop running to the things in this world to fix and fill us. Our human instincts tend to be wrong unless they are reprogrammed by our Creator, but only if we are willing. I see the need for it in me first. I have got to be willing to have revolutionary faith that goes beyond just saying I believe Him. I need my whole mind and heart changed, even if it takes a lifetime to complete it. It brings new meaning behind this verse:

Yet those who wait for the Lord Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.  --Isaiah 40:31

Welcome!

Thanks for visiting! I previously blogged at thetravisinbloom.blogspot.com but felt led to start fresh under a more appropriate blog title. I chose this title, not because I have been diagnosed with a disease but because I am a Christian. And since the hardest part of being a Christian is dying to self while loving others, Confession of a Dying Woman seems to be the perfect label for the things God puts on my heart to share with you as I seek to endure through that painful yet rewarding process of having less of me but more of Jesus Christ. 

Let's be honest, we don't talk enough about the reality of our struggles because judgement and shame lingers at the door. But when I read the scriptures, I know I am called to share some really ugly things about myself because it isn't about me, but my Savior. This blog won't be your traditional Christian blog, but one that challenges me and my readers in new ways. I hope to keep my writings shorter than I have in the past because I recognize that we're all balancing so much these days. 

Whether you are a Christian or not, I believe you'll be able to relate to me and my struggles. If you ARE NOT a Christian, I hope you'll find the consistent message that not one of we Christians are perfect and we're not all self-righteous and mean-spirited.  But we do hold a very real and precious hope that all of our struggles in this life are not wasted and we don't have to count on our own strength to do what we're called to do, although we forget that too often.  We have something worth sharing, even with all of our flaws. It's all about mercy and love and grace that we're no more worthy of than our fellow man. If you ARE a Christian, I want you to walk away knowing that you don't struggle alone and encouraged to keep on going. And to all of my readers-- You are dearly loved by your Creator.