My heart stings as I write
these words. It is the uncomfortable sting of betrayal and lies and the pain of
disappointment. If I’m brutally honest, and I am, my observations of recent
events remind me that trusting other people will only bring me more pain and
make me look a fool. And I don’t like looking like a fool, but even more so I
don’t like the pain. I am desperate for good relationships and I
whole-heartedly wanted to move past my trust issues. I really do keep trying.
But I feel angry that no matter how much I do that, I am betrayed. I am
confused as to why Jesus would call me into such a place. It feels at times
like He is betraying me by laying such a command on me that brings me repeated
pain. I took these raw feelings to Him this morning and He reminded me of some
beautiful truths about life and disappointment that motivate me to press on.
There have been consistent
reasons for me to go live in a cave in an isolated area where no other human
can be found. Those reasons began early in life for me by people who I should
have been able to trust. Just when I think I am over it, something else happens
to make me distrust someone else. It has become a theme of life for me in some
ways. I have a love/hate relationship with trust. I want it, but I do not want
the pain that comes with it. Sound familiar? Can you relate?
Something in me rises up for
war, for vengeance when I am hurt and disappointed. I do not like that part of me.
But sometimes it just feels so good to lash back. Then the words of a dear
friend replay in my head, “Don’t trade your blessing for a bowl of soup.” Ouch!
This is the iron sharpening I needed. It is amazing how far and how long a
sharp sword can go. I would be doing what Esau did with Jacob; I would be
giving up something huge for something lesser that satisfies me in the moment.
When I think about it that way, the desire for vengeance dwindles. I want to
honor the Lord – I really do. I also have these human tendencies that I
constantly battle against just to be obedient. Keeping my eyes on Jesus when
the world gets foggy is easier said than done. And I can’t break from guarding
my heart for even a moment heart if I do not want to end up in the pit of regret.
I must be persistent and avoid discouragement like the plague if I am going to
finish this race.
My pain had led me closer in
prayer and in worship where I find comfort and healing. I know Jesus is near. I
know he has a compassionate heart and that He wants me to share my struggles.
But in this place, He also shares His heart with me here and renews my own
thinking. He reminds me that He faced betrayal, and that even though He knew He
would be betrayed, He pressed onward in His calling anyway. It hurt Him, yet I
have somehow thought it couldn’t have hurt Him since He is God. I have, on many
occasions, compared my pain to His – thinking God couldn’t and wouldn’t
feel such emotional pain. But He did. His heart ached over so many things; It
still does. His heart even aches with and for me, and yours. Yet He does not
distance Himself for protection. He stays. He fulfills His promises – no matter
what they cost Him. He cares no matter how much it hurts.
As I start to feel silly for
voicing this struggle, He encourages me to keep being honest about my pain.
This is directly opposite of what I have learned and observed in our Christian
community. He emphasizes to me that He doesn’t expect us to live in pretend
mode. People need to know we suffer. They need to know we suffer like they do
because our enemy is working very hard at isolating us with the very mindset
that we are alone. Jesus wants us to be vulnerable and share that suffering as
a means of relating to others, a picture of helping someone out of a pit. Sure,
we may look weak at times, but so did He. Sure, we may get hurt and insulted
for it – but so did He. He made us to be loved and to love. We cannot do that
without being real and honest.
Even in our pain there is
hope for those of us who believe. We can suffer and still have hope. This is
part of our calling so that we use our influences to help, and not harm, our
brothers and sisters. He gave me a new picture for pain this morning as He
whispered, “Just because this hurts doesn’t mean you are falling apart.
Sometimes pain is a sign of healing like the pain felt after a life-saving
surgical procedure.” Now that's a game-changer. We could very well be healing when our heart is on fire. How? Because the redemptive power of Jesus is just that powerful. He can bring beauty to whatever has been burnt.
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