Excuses, Excuses!

We've been called to love one another, bear with one another in burdens and lift one another up. We've been called to show the love of Christ by modeling the very love He gives to us. But far too often we find excuses not to love someone while we proclaim to know just how much God loves us at the same time. I've done it. It's been done to me. But someone has to stop the cycle of hypocrisy. 

Not very long ago, I was spending time around someone who hurt me. I felt like running and hiding because of the lack of trust I felt for this person. I felt I couldn't trust them with my heart and felt the best thing to do was avoid them. But I couldn't avoid this person because they are a regular part of my life. And trying to avoid those who hurt us is like running from our problems. It doesn't fix anything. The person made a small effort to make things right and then stepped out with a gesture of love. Part of me wanted to resist when I felt the Lord speak into my heart, "Do not withhold love." I have never forgotten that moment and the lesson it brought to me, but it doesn't mean I don't still struggle with it. 

Scripture says nothing about loving those who make it easy. It says nothing about following our feelings to know when to love someone. It doesn't tell us to ever withhold love, yet somehow we have it in our minds that there is a time and a place to do just that. I speak from experience of the heart when I say, most of us are more likely to follow our feelings than our God. 

The call to love has nothing to do with entitlement. We aren't owed love by God,  but He loves us anyway. We aren't as great as we like to think we are and our sins are no better than anyone else's. Yet, many of us actually think we're more deserving than others. Many of us talk about grace while we practice selective obedience. Based on my convictions and what I read in scripture, here are some ways we can show love when we don't feel like it: 

1. Keep your words kind and your spirit gentle. We cause others to get defensive when we raise our voices and use harsh words. We provide excuses for them to keep doing what they're doing. We're most effective when we react in an unexpected manner. We don't have to be punching bags. We can still set boundaries while exercising love and self control. But we're no different than those who hurt us if we go around doing the same things.

2. Offer forgiveness even if they don't ask for it. I've often heard that those who hurt people are angry and hurting. They harbor unforgiveness against themselves and perhaps even others. They don't know how to deal with their pain, but grace offers a way. We aren't just doing them a favor, we're doing ourselves one too. We're getting rid of things that prevent us from drawing nearer to our Creator, our biggest source of comfort and grace. We also remove any excuse for the walls they keep up, because their eternity is as important as our own. When walls come down, people start to see things much more clearly and healing begins. 

3. Know when to draw near and when to offer space. I heard once that agape love, God's love, is about doing what's best for the other person. Sometimes people need space when they're angry because their anger is so overwhelming that they tend to say and do hurtful things. They lack self control, but there is nothing you can do to change that except remove yourself from their presence until they cool off. Otherwise they make a bigger mess and don't know their way out. To the contrary, sometimes people need someone to draw near to them. It's convicting and healing all at once when they see someone whom they hurt or have been hurt by remain near. It's a reminder that they aren't rejected and unloved, no matter what the enemy may be saying to them. It helps them fight against the lies so they can begin to know the truths.

4. Don't try to fix them. Let them be who they desire to be and make choices about their own behavior. We can't own what's in anyone else's heart or how they behave, and when we try we usurp their God-given right to free-will. Who are we to tell God that He is wrong for giving us this right? However, if they are sinning or hurting you, confront it in love. Confront it with facts and base it on their behavior, not their heart. None of us can fully discern another's heart. Making assumptions just makes a bigger mess. Establish or reaffirm clear boundaries for yourself and then walk away if necessary. Leave the rest up to the Lord. Having faith means we have to trust Him to do right in even the smallest places. This is one I have particularly struggled with. But practicing it provides incredible freedom to those of us "fixers." God is all about setting us free. 

5. Pray for them. Let them know you're praying for them, if possible. I have learned that when I start praying for others, God brings healing and perspective to me while He works on them as well. God is not a one-sided God. He is fair. He wants us to be willing to understand others just like we desire to be understood. If I approach God with faith, a willingness to believe the unseen, He opens my mind further. I begin to see things about the situation I didn't see before. I begin to see Him at work when all I could see before were the barriers. 

God is in the business of caring about each of us, but not because of who we are. It's because of who He is. Therefore know that He loves you and your enemies. He is most glorified when we honor Him when our situations make it hard. He insists that we, "Don't deprive love." Otherwise, how will they know that we truly are His?